I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures. For most part I am brimming with joy and wonderment in realizing that Hubz and I have crossed an even more significant milestone with the graduation of our youngest son. On the other hand, these pictures plant a small dot of whimsy sadness too. I have no babies anymore. They have grown up obviously. I miss my little boys.
Nobody who knows me knows what I'm going through as a mother. I am having a very very very difficult time inside of me just accepting the fact that I am not as depended on as I used to be.
Oh' yes, I am needed, but no longer in the same manner that I was when they were really young. If you are a parent who has sat through the high school or college graduation of your youngest child, you would know what I mean.
This turning point of my life is difficult emotionally not only for me but for my husband as well....even if he doesn't voice it. However, it has made us melt tighter to each other in the evenings, and has made us hold hands with as much tenderness as we cam muster. Sometimes it feels like..... just.... seeing each other again..really seeing each other.
I know we both wish a magic mantra would appear each morning in our consciousness, just wisely telling us our personal step by steps to take to make sure the succeeding days and years that these children are still living us will be perfect.
You see, I need a guarantee that everything will be OK. I need a guarantee that they will finish their college education, get a high paying job, see the world, find a beautiful kindhearted girl who will take care of them and love them. I need a guarantee that they will be genuinely happy.
The thing is there are never any guarantees. Were there ever any in my life? Anything can happen. This is why the heaviest whisper of prayer I always breath is for them to find their inner strength...for them to find their own selves within..for them to find their genuine divineness...to find the seat of God that resides inside of them. If I could only journey this path of discovery for each child of mine I would. But I can't. They have to do this by themselves. I have to let go. I have to trust.
And yet, they are so different....just different people...different in everything...different souls...So different that it drives me to consider without a doubt the validity of one God.
Funny when they were just babies I had this idea about how they would be like when they reach this age. As children grow up, you soon realize the fact that they are their own people....their own selves. My boys are...not my own....they came from me.....but yet..they came from somewhere..somewhere...somewhere....beautiful....They came from the keeper of souls..the breather of life...And to think that I have been entrusted with these lives...just gives me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness..and humbleness.
I am so just aware of the challenges facing us. I'm cool - he's cool. In fact, he was cool last night when our oldest son came home with his left ear pierced and silver studded...ha! ha! ha! We've been through rough and survived...ye' We are never alone.
It's still a jolly good feel though' to be told we are "young parents" hee! hee!
Oh'....gosh...perhaps I need a support group...The college years of these kids will be very very crucial times. Our oldest has about two years more to go, the youngest starts this June. I know I need to be cool..and strong.and just be level headed. Preaching and sermons are so passe'....sometimes I can't help it. I hate drama, specially when it comes from me.
And yes, though there are times I wish I could have been better...more mature..more prepared..more understanding..more..more..more of this and that...really..all the mores I wish for won't matter anymore...I'd like to think that I did the best I could considering how young I was when I had them. They've never broken my heart..I've never been called to school for anything wrong they've done..ever. I thank them for that.
Their dad is great. They're lucky.
So in hindsight, I have a treasure chest of blessings..I only have to i look into our future with hope, strength, encouragement and yes, gratitude.