Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Milestones

I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures. For most part I am brimming with joy and wonderment in realizing that Hubz and I have crossed an even more significant milestone with the graduation of our youngest son. On the other hand, these pictures plant a small dot of whimsy sadness too. I have no babies anymore. They have grown up obviously. I miss my little boys.

Nobody who knows me knows what I'm going through as a mother. I am having a very very very difficult time inside of me just accepting the fact that I am not as depended on as I used to be.

Oh' yes, I am needed, but no longer in the same manner that I was when they were really young. If you are a parent who has sat through the high school or college graduation of your youngest child, you would know what I mean.

This turning point of my life is difficult emotionally not only for me but for my husband as well....even if he doesn't voice it. However, it has made us melt tighter to each other in the evenings, and has made us hold hands with as much tenderness as we cam muster. Sometimes it feels like..... just.... seeing each other again..really seeing each other.

I know we both wish a magic mantra would appear each morning in our consciousness, just wisely telling us our personal step by steps to take to make sure the succeeding days and years that these children are still living us will be perfect.

You see, I need a guarantee that everything will be OK. I need a guarantee that they will finish their college education, get a high paying job, see the world, find a beautiful kindhearted girl who will take care of them and love them. I need a guarantee that they will be genuinely happy.


The thing is there are never any guarantees. Were there ever any in my life? Anything can happen. This is why the heaviest whisper of prayer I always breath is for them to find their inner strength...for them to find their own selves within..for them to find their genuine divineness...to find the seat of God that resides inside of them. If I could only journey this path of discovery for each child of mine I would. But I can't. They have to do this by themselves. I have to let go. I have to trust.

When I look at them..talk to them...it shocks me at certain times to find me speaking back...I find atoms of me in them...it astounds, amazes, and even scares me sometimes.

And yet, they are so different....just different people...different in everything...different souls...So different that it drives me to consider without a doubt the validity of one God.

Funny when they were just babies I had this idea about how they would be like when they reach this age. As children grow up, you soon realize the fact that they are their own people....their own selves. My boys are...not my own....they came from me.....but yet..they came from somewhere..somewhere...somewhere....beautiful....They came from the keeper of souls..the breather of life...And to think that I have been entrusted with these lives...just gives me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness..and humbleness.




I am so just aware of the challenges facing us. I'm cool - he's cool. In fact, he was cool last night when our oldest son came home with his left ear pierced and silver studded...ha! ha! ha! We've been through rough and survived...ye' We are never alone.

It's still a jolly good feel though' to be told we are "young parents" hee! hee!

Oh'....gosh...perhaps I need a support group...The college years of these kids will be very very crucial times. Our oldest has about two years more to go, the youngest starts this June. I know I need to be cool..and strong.and just be level headed. Preaching and sermons are so passe'....sometimes I can't help it. I hate drama, specially when it comes from me.

And yes, though there are times I wish I could have been better...more mature..more prepared..more understanding..more..more..more of this and that...really..all the mores I wish for won't matter anymore...I'd like to think that I did the best I could considering how young I was when I had them. They've never broken my heart..I've never been called to school for anything wrong they've done..ever. I thank them for that.

Their dad is great. They're lucky.

So in hindsight, I have a treasure chest of blessings..I only have to i look into our future with hope, strength, encouragement and yes, gratitude.

14 comments:

boneman said...

ןıɹdɐ ɟo puoɔǝs
ǝɥʇ oʇ pǝʌoɯ
ʎɐp s,ןooɟ ןıɹdɐ
It's a daylight
savings time
sort'a thing, eh?

LADY LUXIE said...

And a happy April Fools to you too Boneman! Tried viewing your video but it wouldn't work from my end...will try later:>

Ams said...

Hi. I have a soon to be 8 year old son and I dont know if you believe me but I almost feel your sentiments here. Almost cuz yeah, my baby still needs me most of the times.
We're here in Korea and kids here are taught to be independent from an early age. I'm having a hard time with that esp when he goes to school and after-shool activities. He goes alone and when I say I'd go with him and he doesnt want that leaves a sting to my heart. I'm proud of him though I cant help but feel sad.
Good day and good luck to you. You have a beautiful family.

foam said...

believe me, luxie doo, my heart beats in sympathy with what you wrote. my 16 year old will be off to college next fall. he is so tall. as tall as his dad 6'2" and so independent already most of the time. i want guarantees as well.
but then, i still have my baby, my ten year old ..
congratulations to your son. i have no doubt with the upbringing you and your hubz have provided that both your sons will go off with a good foundation.
an earpiercing? lol...
no big deal. ... i told my son he could have that if he wanted. he doesn't want. the other type of piercings, however ... ech ..

david santos said...

Excellent post, Lady!
Very, very, very and very nice!
Thank you.


NURIN JAZLIN
MURDERED. 9 YEARS OLD. WHY? ARE WE HUMAN?
.
Please!
TO AVOID SUCH A TRAGEDY HAPPENING AGAIN, AND FOR THE SALVATION OF OUR CHILDREN, WE ARE DOING A WORLDWIDE CAMPAIGN, DISPLAYING THE IMAGE OF NURIN JAZLIN JAZIMIN IN BLOGS ALL OVER THE WORLD ON 25TH APRIL 2008. LET'S NOT FORGET NURIN JAZLIN.

X. Dell said...

There might not be guarantees, but there are good odds and bad odds. I get the feeling that your sons hae better odds than many (probably most) people around them, for they come from loving and stable parents.

If my parents are typical, any problems of empty nest syndrome subside in the joys of a new freedom, although that might take a while. Actually, if it weren't for your post (and Foam's comment) I wouldn't have thought that much about the sense of loss (perhaps mourning) for what was once familiar, and felt safe.

But I think both of you and your husbands will take great joys in your sons' adulthood.

Then, before you know it, they want to make guarantees for you.

exskindiver said...

nice post lux,
great photos too.
such a beautiful looking family.
this post makes me cherish my girls being 7 and 9 more than ever.
~chesca

Java said...

Oh Luxie, hi there! I did get your comment the other day too, thx for popping by. We're to busy LOL
Aaaah, congrats to you both on your son's graduation, wow time flies so quick. take care X

Amber said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes, Luxie. What handsome, fine young men you have raised! It must be very hard to watch them fly the coop. And yes, you two DO look too young to have kids this age! You and Hubz make such a stunning couple...and your "Meet the Parents" shot cracked me up. Tears to laughter in one post...doesn't get better than that!

HLiza said...

With small kids around me at the age of 36, I always pray that they will grow up fast..but reading this post had made me think twice about it. I understand now why couples draw closer to each other as they get older (maybe after seeing how close Lee to Margaret too!)..the children starts to have their own way and the parents need to be together for each other..aah..a sudden sadness is creeping inside me. BTW, congratulations for you handsome son..and for the thousandth time..you folks really look gorgeous for a couple with boys that big. I wish I'll be as young-looking as that when my time arrives!

butterflygirl said...

Your post is so touching. It comes straight from your heart and it sounds like what I might say in 12 years as I go through the same thing. I'm glad you and your husband have a wonderful relationship that will help one another get through this time in both your lives.

alison said...

oh wow! i see the resemblance of kid no 2 and his dad! congarts to all in da house! you must be a proud mama too yes? agreed with all, you two look superb with two "almost adult" kids. great post and pictures lux!

Lydia said...

Hello Luxie, What a beautiful post on motherhood and the changes that take place as children become older. It sounds like you and your hubby have raised two very wonderful young men. Your sons are also very handsome.
I had my first child when I was 35 and my second at age 39, so my children are still quite young. Right now I have a very hectic household. Even though I love it, there are times I wish for 10 minutes of solitude.

boneman said...

actually got a "cookie" as it were. The music playing was excellent and coaxed me into wandering over and getting a "boombox" for my art blog.
Thanx! You are one classy gal!