Monday, September 18, 2006

Juz' a Thinkin' for a while

" What we weave in time we wear in eternity"
- John Charles Ryle
I'm thinking about God...yeah...d' God.....You know..creator of the universe....Alpha Omega...Haven't really been thinking about God for some time now...Not that I don't believe in God...just that sometimes..( okay..maybe a LOT of times) I pretend He isn't real...I kinda' like...um'..tend to ignore Him...Sometimes I make Him go away...like..shoo'..I'm busy...Of course I don't say it exactly THAT way.."shoo!"..more of like..."excuse me thy almighty one..but I kinda' like what I'm doing right now...can you excuse me for one sec while I take care ov' all these stuff...?!"...Sometimes I have the audacity to even say..."heeeelloooo...who are youuu???"...Sometimes I try to play intellectual cool..like deny that I believe in Him..like..say..yeeeah...who needs some controlling freakish spiritual boogaboo manipulating our lives...I'm free!...And...horror of horrors...sometimes...um'....sometimes...I tend to act like a god myself...
Now..I'm not into the JC kinda' thing here...I dunno' about Him..being d' God and such.....I went through the whole religion thing since I was...I was...way back in pampers.....I like JC..a lot..He was..like rebel..like unconventional..weird..outcast...like hippie cool...like..He was d' guy who ran around with the gals at a time when it was like toxic to be seen with them..us...ladies...And...I have this pic ov' me making Him laugh...I know I can....but...right now...the deal is...I can't like...um' just dig' that He could be God too...I did before...but now..I dunno'...and...and...people in a church would say that's bad...to kinda' say...He isn't God...but I think...I think..if He were a real "God"..He would kinda' understand me'...like maybe say it's okay...take your time...something like that...coz'..I do believe in the way He lived...God or not...He's cool...
Where is God?....Who is He?...I know church blah blah would say...ohhh..He is all around...inside your heart...repent..and thou will be saved...BUT...I don't wanna' repent...repent ov' what?...I believe all my experiences good or bad shape me..make me a better me...I'm tired of threats ov' being punished....I don't want a God like that...
I need a God who understands me...and how my heart works...A God who is far greater than right or wrong...or dogmas...Just a God who is real..who can make things better inside for me...who won't play the blame game...A God who isn't housed in a church or a ministry.....
coz'...sometimes...
I can be tired of being...me...

17 comments:

Eastmancolour said...

i liked this very much.

I dont know what god is or how he/she/it works. This puts a stopper on my believing or not believing in him.

But I dont question now.. I dont even think
none of the above solves any of my problems.
I just go back to work..that's what I do

:)

Tab said...

I love this post..well written Lux.
You will eventually find a higher power that works for you...believe..
enjoy the learning process..I bet you will find serenity in "something" extra special one day that will remind you ,
you have a purpose and a guide.
Believe.
Great post~Thanks for sharing~

Mayden's Voyage said...

"God"

I've seen Him in a sunset-
Heard His mirth in my children's laughter-
Felt His power in a Thunder-storm,
And saw His grace in the rainbow after.

He whispered when I needed to listen...
And was silent when He could have shouted-
And He's never changed, swayed, or cursed-
For all the times I've doubted.

I knew Him better when I was little-
I loved Him more...before I made such a mess-
I've fallen so many, many times...
And failed so many tests~

And yet, each time I've turned my back-
And struggled to make my own way-
I walked through filth, ruined His gifts...
And He's loved me just the same

He's light, truth, goodness and love...
Free of darkness, apathy, and strife-
Healer, redeemer- freedom giver-
And I know He exists in my life~
*******
-Cora/Mayden's Voyage
9.18.06

Love you Lux~ I struggle. Trying to find my place- and where I fit in the greater plan...knowing He exists-and wondering what I'm supposed to do- and how to do it.

Tired of preacher so-and-so telling me to do this, and do that...come to this meeting- take this class.
Teach this, or sing that...
Can I just be?

I think God loves us just as we love our kids. We do love them unconditionally- and as they grow we expect certain things from them.

I don't make my kids live with guilt...or shame...or in fear of me. Rather- I need their respect, and honesty...and for them to know that my love is bigger than any mistake they will ever make.
How can it be different with God?
I don't really think it is...and yet, I need to be reminded.

sanjay jha said...

nameste.
long list...
but an interesting quest,i would like to become your follower then...lol.
hey i loved the post and salute to your passion of writing.
i am trying to write a biography of a part of my professional life and its experiences,would like you to visit and drop some comments,it will be very encouraging if you can link me to your blog...
happy blogging,
cheers.
jhaji.

http://indrasabha.blogspot.com/

schaumi said...

ten minutes before i head off to work...
this won't be long because basically i feel the same way you do about the whole business. ..... and about jc....

and i feel a deep seated resentment towards folks who want to make me feel guilty about the way i feel...

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

if god knows when a sparrow falls to earth he knew what you were and how you saw him and what you were thinking and the ebb and flow of your focus on him...and he loves it all. if its not about love and forgiveness and goodness its not from god. guilt is the tool of darkness.

circle tail wags all around!!!!!!!!!!!!

/grrrrrrrrr

velvet acid explosion said...

"who needs some controlling freakish spiritual boogaboo manipulating our lives"

in a nutshell this is what that cynical continuous running voice in my heart screams when i hear about the concept of 'god.'

i am not a believer in god, tho i was forced to say so as a child and pummeled with that wonderful catholic weapon, that 'tool of darkness,' as k9 calls it: guilt. that said, the sentiment of this post and comments are nice.

a profound post, you've given us something to think about. i think this whole god thing basically boils down how an individual sees their truth: absolute vs. relative.

i also think that what people seek from the construct of god is what they are afraid of digging for within themselves. its so much easier to get what we feel we need from some external entity than it is to reach inside ourselves.

no one else but me can make things better inside for me. i truly believe this. this is not arrogance. or blasphemy. or denial. or "playing the intellectual cool." its what my truth has evolved into. and it took years to get to this point.

i guess i just don't really think a lot about the 'why am i here' or 'what am i supposed to do' stuff coz my existence from second to second answers these questions ... and these answers are dynamic - they change even without my knowledge sometimes.

so ... this rambling post basically comes down to this: the answers to life and purpose don't rest with some allegedly invisible, supernatural and omnipotent entity, they rest within us. our children, our family, our connection to others, but most importantly, our connection to SELF.

Lady Lux said...

My gooodness!...thank you so very much for the very enigmatic words you all have poured out to me!..I bow to you all!...i have learned so much...

and yes sanjay...as soon as i have the moment i'm gonna' fix up my link here and include you...and of course I will be there to read you...and yah'...come..you are most welcome to be my follower!...nya!ha!ha!ha!..see you..

schaumi...goodnes...our morning routine sems to be the same..thanks for stoppin' by...thanks for understanding...

K9..yes...you are right..the guilt and all..thanks so much....here...have a treat!..

Velvet....wow!..like..yaaah!...I sooo love what you said here!...thaaaank you...I mean really...i love it when you said " they rest within us..our children...our family...our connection to others...our connection to self...hugzz to you!...I love reading your comments in the other blogs to!

X. Dell said...

Interesting. You feel at distance with the Divine, for It has been expressed to you in a manner consistent with history and hegemony. In other words, if our popular notion of God as am old, no-nonsense white male, and of Jesus as a blue eyed Nordic, how is a young Phillapina woman to relate? How would you see yourself as part of the Divine spirit? How could you worship a deity who, in important ways, remionds you so much of those antithetical to you?

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

I like this post........I wonder often too about all the mystery. I don`t see Jesus as God either and don`t understand how churches can claim he is. I see him as the Son of God. After all, he would have been praying and taking instruction to and from himself in the garden before his death if he was!

tea
xo

Lady Lux said...

hello tea!!...:)))

exactly....not that I'm doubting his divinity...just that...welp'...in my opinion...so what he if he weren't God?...that wouldn't diminish His worth in my sight...

X:DELL...in a way..yes..I do picture him in my minds eye exactly the way you described Him...but isn't a God...if there is...supposed to be spirit?..

Mayden's Voyage said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mayden's Voyage said...

Lux...X made me think of something I've never expressed before- I don't see God as white...
And since my teens and meeting middle eastern people...I don't see Jesus as white at all. I know he was Jewish, but in my minds eye he is dark.
At least- when I try to imagine him, that is how I see him.

I met a little boy from Jordan a few years ago...he was in one of my classes. His name was Garbiel.
He was SO brown, with jet black wavy hair, and the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. I was smitten with him- he was so beautiful. I felt, from that day on, that I had seen what Jesus looked like as a boy. I don't know why that child had such an impact on me...but I will never forget him.
SOrry this was so long~
I should have emailed it to you!

X. Dell said...

Lux, precisely my point.

butterflygirl said...

If you ask, He will lead you.

Lady Lux said...

X:Dell:...a spirit cannot be seen..it isn't physical...it cannot be touched...would it really take the form of the physical?...I'm just thinking...

kate said...

Oh very interesting post. I think we create the image of 'God' in our likeness to be easier to accept as a leader (I believe we tend to follow people we admire and who remind us of ourselves only better perhaps...like we aspire to be...)

I dont really believe in a superior being. I guess that is why I dont get anything out of organized religion. I have tried but failed. When all my loved ones died last year, I really did try to embrace religion but I found it so totally superficial and not helpful. I dont get what other people get from praying. I am to literal in many ways... if I pray for something I expect it to happen or I see no value in continuing to pray for it... does that make sense?

I had a tough childhood and found that praying did nothing to help my situation... it was shear effort and determination that got me where I am.

Oh for sure I am going to Hell now huh! NAW... I DONT BELIEVE IN HELL! lol

cheers!!