Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A Family Affair

Kids...shivers...my life is periwinkled with kids...big, small, lanky, sweet, sour, tangy, chillie....makes me want to hide sometimes...

Jewel, a very cute chinky eyed five year old, sat beside me this morning.....gave me this doleful accusing look and went, "hey Teacher R, your hair is pretty..I was watching you outside...You didn't smile at me..how come you didn't smile at me huh?!"
So I stroked her hair and gave her the really big smile she wanted and said that I was sorry, but teacher had something in her mind and just didn't notice... but she should know that...I'd always always smile at her.

You should've seen the twinkle in her eyes..." You like my Hello Kitty hair pin?!" she asks..."Fabulous!" I replied.

And now I'm thinking..

"Hey...wasn't I asking for smiles as a reward?"...so I guess I got a nice pink wrapped reward awhile ago...

Lot's on my mind really...kids...my kids particularly...just thinking how much of an effective mom I am....If I am....coz' honestly, (of course what I'm going to say is a trite worn out lamentation)..... had I lived more alive when I was a younger..like had I fully had the sense to value my position as a mom and appreciated the kids when they were young..... and not thought how much I wanted them to grow up fast..so I wouldn't be tied up in a house day in and night...


so I could fit into clothes that didn't have the embarassing shouting scream of full time mom...

so I didn't have to be saddled with the dribbles..the endless Mcdonald's Happy Meals, the cries of don't go anywhere mommy..the midnight rush to the hospital because of fever...the tiresome washing of hands..and butts...the settling of squabbles...the bandaids and iodine....the rabbits...the nightly bedtime stories again and again....gawd......

I would have been better... I could've been better...

Not that I'm bad..no...my kids don't get into trouble... so I must have done something right..me and the Hubz...but..my kids are kinda' on the verge of being just really grown up and there are some traits in them a mom can see....spots... that I wish..wish they'd change...Like maybe take their studies more seriously.....be more responsible..just be more proactive....be driven...get out of bed on their own???!..Just move...move...move...

I feel like they're too lax..too easy going...a strum of the guitar here..there...MySpace...computer games...Some of their actions can be really dissapointing..and I take that to heart...like I failed in some part....I'm to blame.

I can take the concept of me as a failure in business..or a failure in Math or badminton..or even a failure in me as me...but to be a failure as a parent..or as a wife ...no..no....it will be the hardest hit to knock me out......I can't take that..

There are only 3 people who love me you see.

I'm talking here about a love that goes beyond fantasy walks...roses and poems and cakes and cards..and just words or feelings or getting slowly naked on top of a cherry dining table that creaks shag me hard...

Oh' I've heard the most colorful presentaions of romantic affectations for me...in the past...but I'm talkng about a love that is willing to buy me a house and dinner and a bottle of table wine on the way home...a love that will take a bullet for me.....or give one in my defense...that's the love I'm talking about...

And there's only one man who's willing to go that far...and we created these beings called teenagers...and to fail him....

to just let him down...

to fail them...

I can't take that...

I just want these kids to be a success.

14 comments:

SJ said...

I think that the very fact of what you expect proactiveness, responsibilty show you to be a better mom than many.

I can't do the rest but I can buy you dinner anyday :)

X. Dell said...

Forgive me, but I wonder why parents have this tendency to feel that they are in some neverending competition for the "World's Greatest Mom/Dad." Everyone does what they can as parents, and most offspring turn out relatively well. Yours sound fine. Unless you were hoping that they would have graduated from Cambridge by now, I don't see a reason to feel dissappointment with them or you.

And perhaps the goal of parenting changes over the course of a lifetime. Maybe adolescence is simply a time of being with them and for them, letting them learn from the example of you and your husbands' lives.

I reckon that perhaps my mother's greatest gift to me (out of all of the gifts she's given me, including life itself) was leading her own life. She's helped countless thousdands of people, she's saved many lives, she's influenced a generation of health care professionals. One day, I would take a look at her life and say, "I want to be just like her."

And, loandbehold, I'm following in her footsteps to a large degree.

Anonymous said...

luxie sweet pea,


when we are parents with young children, it seems like a 'forever' that takes place as we chase after them, try to keep them save, wipe away snot. It's normal to feel impatience with that stage at times. So, then within a nanosecond it appears our children are grown and ready to leave. Feeling anxious about this stage in our children's lifes is also normal. For ex., I don't think my 15 year old can handle going to college in a couple of years (of course, he thinks he can)....
but that is only because I know all the stuff i did in college.....and I'm thinking, no way, not my baby.
But all we can do is raise them the best we can with a certain set of values and then let them fly...

Guilt is an emotion which is easy to feel as a parent, but I've found that the parents who sometimes feel that way really have no need to feel that way.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

when i read what you write about your husband its a heart melter. you're good lux. real good. the kids are allright.

/grrr

Anonymous said...

I think we sometimes expect too much of ourselves as parents - we are, ater all, only human! We make mistakes, we lose our patience.

We want to shelter our kids from all the nastiness and bad people out there in the world. We can only do so much and it sounds to me that you are doing a grand job.

They can only learn from their own experiences and it is up to us to give them the confidence of how to deal with what life will throw at them.

Everybody measures success in a different way. For me, that fact that my kids are happy, confident and contented individuals (well, as happy as teenagers can be!) is more to cherish than being top of the class.

Love for your hubby and kids shines through, Lux, and that is the most important gift you can give anybody. It is obvious to anybody reading your posts that you are a very close-knit family.

Anonymous said...

I left a comment for you at my other blog..

ThursdayNext said...

I am not even a mother and as an aunt to my beautiful nephew, my worry is constant. What I do realize is that at times it will be ok for him to fail, because in that lies life's greatest lessons. My parents failed here and there, but it only made our family closer and stronger...

Anonymous said...

hope all went well with the talk..

Anonymous said...

I'm sure they are gonna turn out just fine.

Lady Lux said...

It's a Friday over here and I just came back from the mall.

Schaumi: Thanks for the tip you gave me, The talk went fine but I think this weekedn will merit a lot more of those talks. I'm positive things will curve to the brighter side.

X: Dell: Yep'..parents can be freak out attacjks and oh' how I wish my kids would have a chance at Cambridge lol!..But were givin' them the best we can here. It's hard being a teacher with kids of your own..sometimes I feel guilty with spending all those times with other kids...sigh..but what you said about your mom struck deep within me..and I'm asking myself if my kids would somehow want to emulate me...I guess..I;m not going that far..but for them to grow up realizing that I love them..that would be enough..your mom must be a really great person..I would love to meet her..

Ah' K9..thanks grrr for your reassuring words..I try my best...sometimes I feel it's not enough..but I try..and oh' yeah..my poodle says hi!

Thursday:..hmmmm..you are right..it is good that they feel failure once in a while...sooo right....good point yah!..I didn't think of things that way...thanks..

Sue: oh' yes..I expect so much...more so with their studies..sigh...thanks you for the words..

butterfly: I guess your right!..nice to see you here :)

Anonymous said...

The kids are growing up so fast- I feel like I'm cramming for the big exam- "life"...and their success or failure will be my grade.
And it is in a way...
And yet, I know they are ultimately responsible for how things turn out- we give them tools- but they have to USE them.

Parenting is not for cowards, is it friend? :)

Lady Lux said...

Mayden: oh' gawd..no way it isn't!!..the guts to raise kids..sometimes I ask myself what the heck I was thinking when I had them lol!..They can be cute and challenging all at the same time...but then of course you see them make decisions for themselves..win their battles..and that..that's were the gratifying feeling comes in..yeh'

Lady Lux said...

SJ:..I'll remember the dinner!!

Anonymous said...

ya I do think that we parents worry too much as Dell said... but we all seem to do it.

I think that we feel guilt that we cant be the best parents 100% of the time... I know I feel the guilt when I need me time at the expense of them... but we ALL need some me time every once in a while!

BTW I love the photos and the creative spins on them