Saturday, February 10, 2007

UnforTunate FeAr

I feel..how do you say it?...um'....off the weather?..is that it?....There's this tremor of fever coursing inside me' body and my chest feels tight...colds...I think so..brought about by changing weather..changing times..Or maybe..my body is reacting to the stress I've been feeling lately..a last spurting strain to let go of all the pollution that's been fumigating inside my brain....A dank fetid cloud called FEAR.


Aha!..Finally, I have a name for it. Yep'...identified it a while ago while I was deep in effort to scrub out stains that were threatening to cling into the edges of my kitchen sink...Doused it with something that smelled lemony and scraped the heart and lungs out ov' it..

That's when I realized..FEAR...

I had this fear that stain would be so ingrained deep within the crevices that I scrubbed with all might and glory...And I thought to myself.."this is what's weighing me down..It has a name.."FEAR"...

I uttered the word with victorious disgust and for a moment it seemed like a vaporish something swooshed out of my person and stood before me with an uh' oh' look on it's blood shot eyes... and I smelled the stink ov' it......foul odorous.... deathly fragrance that had been clinging onto me for some time...now...

And I spoke to it...

took one menacing brave step forward brandishing the Domex bleach on my blue gloved hand saying..."You hopeless, good for nothing, twirpy ass#@%^$......So it's you again?..when will you ever learn?!!...you are not..eeever..welcome in my home....so hear me you sick *&^%.....GeT LooOost!!!!!!"....


Dunno' if it was the growl ov' me' voice or the glare of my stare but I saw it..Fear..whimper away..away..away.....Hah!..would 'ave doused it with muriatic acid had it remained stubborn....but doggone it'..I have faced my own enemy.....

and it follows me around when my guards are down...

and it dances around me and whispers little mantras in my ear..whispering what a sorry sight I am...and how I am not able to be this...or that...And I listen for a while...confused...embracing the changing voices that masks as bells of light....Until....I recognize...recognize....who it is....

Fear..in disguise....


And it haunts not just me..but the rest of humanity.....

It is real...

It has a voice....

....but nothing else....

It is weak and powerless...a coward that crawls back to it's cave once discovered...

And so I turned back to my sink...seeing how polished and shinning it is....

all germs and grime washed out....

clean......


clean of fear...








5 comments:

schaumi said...

yes, fear can definitely be a downer.
the very scary thing about fear is that is can be masked by this voice of reason. then it is hard to recognize. what one might think of as a sensible reasonable decision can be a decision masked by fear. oh, of course sometimes sensible reason is warranted...but that's what can make decisions and 'doing' hard..
anyhow,
low grade fevers in adults are certainly a real energy drainer. take it easy, luxie, rest up..
take care of yourself. i'm glad your son is on the mend as well.
it's very early here for me on a saturday, but that's because i've been sleeping off and on since noon yesterday. i went to work and had to turn around and go back home..
i was feeling blechy.

Hliza said...

Don't scrub too hard, Lux. Some things can never be wiped out..

Mayden's Voyage said...

I watched a program the other night- "Mystery Diagnosis"- and one thing that people had in common was fearing that they had a terrible illness- but not wanting to go the Dr. to find out the truth.
Fear paralyzed them~
And in most of the cases, while the diagnosis was difficult, almost all of them were cured-
but had suffered for years...and years...because of
FEAR.

And I thought...but if you had known the truth- you could have been healed so much sooner! The illness was not as difficult to cure as you thought! The truth would have set you free.

And I looked at myself-
at my fears...

I need to embrace the truth.
Thanks for writing this friend~

X. Dell said...

As FDR said, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. That's apparently a message that my countrymen haven't taken to heart lately, I'm afraid.

Germs are kind of scary things, aren't they? Some are necessary for us to live. Most are indifferent to us. Some can even kill us.

Let us know if the fear tries to get back in from the sink.

LADY LUXIE said...

Schaumi: feeling "blechy'...yes..that was hoe I was feeling as well...and I reac and read and read what you wrote here..about fear masking as a "voice of reason.." thought about that...what voices of reason possess me...voices that are acually clangings of fear....

It's a Monday here..after lunch and thank goodness I feel better...hope your feeling better too!

Hliza: yep'..guess so some things you have to learn to live with...

Mayden: When I was young somebody very close to me had this thought that of being afflicted with all sorts of sickness....The doctors couldn't find anything wrong....unril eventually somebody told this person that it was an illness called fear....

and my fears come to me in different ways...but I try to face them..it's not easy...but the thought that I am NoT alone inspires me with strength...

and yes...some truths..I too..have to embrace...