Tuesday, March 20, 2007

abandon

"A Shadow Clear"
-Marianne Angersbach

Passion....fiery and bold..if I lose my passion I would wither and shrivel and mold. Laughing with abandon and crying to the wilds..I did that..specially when I was much much younger and my giggles sounded like sparkles of clinking crystals...

I still giggle of course..but do it with..ahem..finesse..a ha! ha!ha!..Oh' yeees..I love to, once in a while, throw caution to the wind and just feel life with all it's glorious brightness or darkness or emptiness even.... In anger..I can burst like a flame and hurl balls of fire into the air....One must....burst spontaneous...take a chance..scream...fling...laugh...play....or kiss without restraint....Too bad the older we get..the more structured we become in hiding emotions..I am not advocating letting go of ones sanity..merely....just in chosen moments... to yell "what the heck"..I'll just go cry or laugh or smile or say I love you....

Monica is in the ICU unit right now. She's 17...she's pretty..she's intelligent..first in her class..she was my student a year back. I blogged about her father passing away...long ago..how stoic and strong and just accepting she was of her tragic circumstance. I knew something was wrong,,she wasn;t crying in the wake..she was smiling and chatting and so welcoming of those who came to offer condolences. A tear she did shed on the fumeral...but the next day she was back in school as if everything was normal...I knew...it was not so..

For one has to go through the stages of grief...the bewilderment..the anger..the sadness..the longing....the acceptance..the moving on...You have to feel the depth of each passage... seasons one has to pass..You cannot skip winter to get to spring....

so now...everything is crashing around her....I know what this is all about..depression..they say...suppression of feelings that must have been let loose with abandon..not repressed inside...

I shall see her..take the time..I need to tell her that it is time.... to cry...

5 comments:

the.red.mantissa said...

well said. and beautifully written. love how this place is so full of art and beauty and light. thinking of you. school's a killer.

foam said...

...in anger..i can also burst like a flame and hurl balls of fire...(not good for my blood pressure though i found out this weekend....sigh and darn it)
...it's high time for monica to grief. i can understand her pushing her grief away since it is so very painful to deal with it. but it's time. i wish her all the best.

kate said...

having been where she is... anyway...

I bet it will mean the world to her for you to take the time. She may just need a hug to start the process. For me it was often the strangest people that made me feel my loss. I didnt allow myself to feel for 6 full months of tragedy. It definitely kicked my butt in the end and I am just now coming out of the depression... about 2 years later!!!!

You are a good soul Lux!

LADY LUXIE said...

hello Red...I hope you are feeling better...thinking of you too!

Foam: It really did come as a shock to me and the other teachers...Her circumstances are very difficult for a girl her age...

KAte: yes..a process...She should go through it...maybe..she's finally beginning...

X. Dell said...

I don't know why Monica's in the ICU, but I wish her the best. I also wish her parents the best. I've been on both sides of ICU: as a patient and as a visitor. The experience is far more intense for the visitor.