Thursday, November 22, 2007

Friends - Period!

For a while there I thought I had been jilted. Not as in a lover spurned but... stood up.

"How could they?" I thought to myself.

And then it occurred to me how far the commute would be from where they were coming from. Considering the traffic expected and the inclement weather, my doubts took a twist towards concern. There was nothing I could do at that moment though. Unbelievably, I didn't have my cellphone so there was no way I could inquire their whereabouts or well being...tsk!

Scanning the outside crowd, my mind instinctively went bzzzz in wonder... my husband would manage to find me later on a little before six. He would have to rely on telepathy that's for sure..he!he!

I recalled the times in the past, those Jurassic years of no text messages and no simply amazing to think that there was even an era prior to beepers! How ___ and I managed to always find each other in the middle of nowhere...or how he was ever always able to find me, even in the middle of a busy street, was just amazing!

Yes. I keep saying amazing because unbelievably, despite the lack of sophisticated technology during those years, _______ would always somehow know where I could possibly be standing or sitting waiting patiently for him...

"How'd you know where I was?" I'd ask him...."Instinct," he'd reply.

And so, yesterday afternoon, a half an hour past two, my own instincts told me to just relish the time alone and wait patiently, this time for my friends.

While doing so, I needed something to do so I took out my orange notebook and started jotting down thoughts.

Sixty thousand thoughts, if I'm not mistaken....that's how much crosses our mind in a given day. But I didn't have a full given day to jot down all those thoughts so I zeroed in on one... "friendship."

You see, friendship has been the underlying theme of my month. Certain scenarios that have played on in the last weeks have grounded my views on it. Realizing a few big heavy "thuds" has helped release me from heavy doubts that had been enveloping my existence for well...for most of my years. Didn't really give it much thought before but...somehow a blue door has been opened.

I realized how I always doubt people's motives. Yes, even those of whom are closest to me.

Now, when I say doubt I don't mean I think ill of people. No. What I more or less precisely mean is that....I never realized until recently how in my subconscious I always have had this little voice that went..."

1. they're just trying to be nice to you...or....

2. they don't genuinely care..they just need something...

3. they will leave someday...prepare yourself...

Sickening thoughts I know. Never really knew they existed until I had time to reflect. A phone conversation I had with a long time friend brought in the holy epiphany. She said something our friendship was like a limb.

"It's not going away. It's just matter how the years roll matter if a few moments of silence come between us....the fact remains that we would always be friends and ..You just have to accept that. Period."
That late night conversation left me in a quandary of reflection.

Succinctly, my thoughts traveled back to a time when my husband said something along the same line...only more romantic.

He spoke of how our life was like a boat. A boat that we were both riding in and sailing....Bad weather comes in and shakes us up...Instinctively we look back from whence we sailed from....realizing how far off we are from the shore....and how foolish and trivial it would be so to even try to sail back...

And so...armed with this knowledge, we both have nothing to lose and everything to gain by looking forward together and sailing on...

( waiiit a hindsight, I think I am doubting the romantic aspect of what he was saying....Does he mean he has no choice???!' need to clarify this.....)

Oh well..

He proceeded to say how we would always be matter what..and that's that. Period.

Sometimes I admit, I need solid words like PERIOD.

Childish I know. But deep within me I've always had the fear that those around me would leave. It's just a matter of time. This clouded thought has been the cause of numerous difficulties for me. It has hindered my belief in my myself. It has hindered the way I honestly relate to those I care for. It has been a border that separates me from achieving my full potential as a woman.This twisted belief has barred me from enjoying the fruitfulness of being a divine human being.

That night on the phone with A___ solidified my finding.

Nobody is going to leave me. Everyone that is in my life right now is me..Period.

Fact accepted.

I can now give without hinder.

I can now believe in me as well.

Funny but by the time I wrote in the last dot...that last period in my orange notebook, my eyes caught sight of four silly giggling women waving and motioning frantically at me from outside the coffee shop window..

.."buffet.....buffet....there's a next door buffet!..."

( ps: Sorry if the music is a bit' too uppitty...Do turn off if it gets to be too much :)


..................... said...

did somebody say buffet...
well, i'll be eating enough today.

and here's to friends...period...
and you would be one of them.

and hubbies....period..

Mirror Me said...

friends that ship, remember? ;p
they come, they go...dats just d way it is :(

Mr. Althouse said...

Hi Luxie! It's so good to make it around to my friend's blogs all over the world. I have a much needed day off today, tomorrow it's back to it.


Rose said...

There is such a freedom when we move to a place of acceptance, isn't there? We release the struggle and doubts and allow things to simply be.

I'll bet you had a wonderful time with your friends!

Amber said...

I love the metaphors... limbs, boats. Just perfect. And yes, men sometimes have round about ways of telling us how they feel, don't they! LOL I'm glad you're finding a happier, more confident space. We all have our doubts and insecurities...and I think one of the gifts of getting older is letting a lot of them go. Good riddance! :-)

LADY LUXIE said...

Foamy: Yep'..buffet it was. They indulged. I, on the other hand, had a cup of coffee.

Friends indeed. Period.

Mirror Me: Some friends of mine have docked into my port for over 20 years lol!

Mr Althouse: Hi Mike! Nice to see you. Happy hopping all over zee' world!

Rose: So true. I have to face up to a few more...all in good time:>

Amber: Gifts of getting older! hee! hee!...You can say that again. For once really..I am so relieved to be almost 40:>

Ps said...

I guess we all have that nagging feeling of insecurity--that others will leave us.When you have learnt to live in the moment, you have truly mastered the art of living.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Here's to friends indeed! I got your reply/letter to my email- thank you! Hugs :)

butterflygirl said...

Hi Luxie! Oh, I have been so busy. It is amazing when we think about the time when there were not any cell phones...but amazingly enough period survived. Hope all is well! Friends and a buffet-how fun!

Scary Monster said...

Sounds like the buffet were of friendship.

Finding others ain't so difficult as long as you are able to hear through all the noise of people pushing into yer thoughts.


X. Dell said...

If you've been with anyone a while, you can often get into their rhythm. So even if separated, you'll catch up eventually.

It's interesting, the limb analogy. I've always moved around a lot, and have thus said goodbye to lots and lots of friends, all of whom I miss dearly. One of my friends sent me a Concrete Blonde song that she felt described me )"Like a memory in motion, you were only passing through; that's all you'll ever want from life, that's all you'll ever do").

I still feel the attachment of friends, even if I haven't seen them in years. They're here inside me, somewhere, and they'll always be a limb of sorts--despite the fact that I won't see them for years at a time.

LADY LUXIE said...

PS: Oh' what a nice thought on this Monday morning here..."living at the moment"....And yes..I agree with everything you've said:>

MAyden: I actually have another one to send..will do so later :>

Butterfly: Hey'..haven't heard from you for some time. I know you've been pretty busy yourself...will stop by your bloggy' in a moment. Nice to see you here :>

Scary: Hi there. "Buffet of friendship"..hmm'..nice thought...Glad you dropped by.

X:DELL: I've moved around quite a lot as well...and have left friends here and there...some of whom have moved to other shores already...

That song speaks the truth...we are all passing through....and while we do..I'd like to think that the collection of friends we gather and leave somehow grounds us to a deeper understanding of why we are passing through this life in the first place..