Tuesday, May 16, 2006

METANOIA


I pretend it doesn’t exist…doesn’t yank at my gate, doesn’t tap on my windshield, doesn’t pull on my skirt…

I look away.

I can do that.

I can look away…like nothing is simply there.

I am what you could say.. ..desensitized….unaffected……….


I was tending to something unimportant when she stopped by my gate….It was half open….the gate. She stood there…ragged and filthy and bearing an even more raggedly filthy looking chlld of about two. She tentatively called out to me…..

”Mam’..Mam’…….pwede humingi ng tulong………kaunting tulong lang po…”

( maam’…can I ask for your help…just a bit of help……..)

I was about to say something but my words remained unuttered. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man, obviously her husband, rushing up towards her. I instinctively closed the bars, my heart a thud uncertain but my mind wickedly hissing….”a spade of burglaries the past couple of weeks…burglaries….burglaries….burglaries…damn the guards for letting the vagrants in…I don’t pay the bloody dues for nothing….don’t take chances…don’t take chances!!!!”

I firmly shook my head meaning…”no…no….there is nothing I can do for someone like you…..…I cannot help …” Then ….then…..I TURNED AND HURRIEDLY WALKED AWAY!!!!....

WALKED AWAY…WALKED AWAY…WALKED AWAY…..!!!!!!!!!!!


Finally, her frail soiled hands let go of the cold painted metal bars as her eyes, focused on my car, went dejectedly hazed…...haunting in its sadness.



It’s been a couple of years since this has happened…and I still sit here….in remembrance…And once in a while, just like now, I shed a restless tear to celebrate nobody else but……….. me…………..

the smiling poorest of the poor.



allow me to take a bow!





“We must begin not from metaphysics but from experience, recognizing ourselves as we are. “

- Whispers From the Other Shore -

20 comments:

snowsparkle said...

haunting the way the memory echoes and chides... i can imagine the way this must feel even now. i think any of we who've become "comfortable" in life must face this discomfort within. beautiful writing. thank you.

snowsparkle said...

we? i meant us. shoot... it's late and i'm tired and with this poor grammar, it's clear i should step away from the computer now. :)

schaumi said...

Beautifully written!
Sometimes our decisions are based on our fears. And those decisions based on fear can sometimes stay with us for a long, long time. I still think about a decision I made 25 years ago that I still wonder and fret over from time to time.

kate said...

wow... and to think I came here after reading your comment about dancing on tables!

This is lovely... gutting but lovely. My thought as I read was of the baby... and the mothers days ahead for that lad.

thanks for sharing!

Farmboy 2 said...

nice and interesting post..thanks for stopping by ,i will be back

lesbopatticakes said...

very interesting, you did a great job apinting a picture with emotions as well as a visual thanks

Mayden's Voyage said...

In truth though, friend, an impoverished soul would not carry the memory of the needy in her heart, or let the experience shape, or change, her in any way.

An impoverished soul does not exist inside of you...

Gary said...

I, for one, think you are a very caring person.

X. Dell said...

That post is brutal in its honesty. as a New Yorker, how can you address all of the truly needy and desperate despite your beliefs in Christian charity? You're only one person, for crying out loud.

Then again, how can you not.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

excellent. it sparks my own memories i had forgotten
or rather, pushed to the back?

/grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Mr. Althouse said...

After reading your words here, it gives your comment on my blog even more impact. You have a unique way of weaving words and punctuation to render an image that has a hauntingly persistent presence. Thanks for visiting my page; I'll be back to read more of yours.

~Mike

SJ said...

Thx for the comments on my blog hope you'll visit often...

I have felt this too living in India with its huge disparities makes this almost a routine... I am happy that I can at least notice it and not be totally desentisized.

infinitesimal said...

sometimes the beggers are blessed and they in turn shed the grace on you after you give what you can.

i always give to women, sisters gotta stick together!

thanks for sharing.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

You chide me for not posting on my blog but why should I when there are such moving posts as this?

Thank you.

Aunty Belle said...

LuxLuVita,
endearing...that ya still worry about yer decision an' the woman and child.

Onc't We'd done had so many folks hit over the haid when they picked up hitchhikers that Uncle tole me "never never stop for one,never."

Of course in a few days I seen a young pregnant lady hitchkikin' --Oh Lawdy, but I wanted to stop...but Uncles' voice was a echoin' in my heaid...so I passed the chile' and immediately I done felt my hear a thimpin, so I went round the block....to git her...she was gone.

I said a little prayer fer her, but for years when I passed that corner I seen her in my mind's eye. It's like she left a scar on me heart.

Long after I asked the Good Lord to gimme another chance and He did--but some I hep, some I doan....not sayin' I'se always right, but some I take ter be gen-yoo-wine, others a con artist. Let yore heart decide.

Youse a fine thang, ya' are--to care so,

Aunty Belle said...

LuxLuVita,
endearing...that ya still worry about yer decision an' the woman and child.

Onc't We'd done had so many folks hit over the haid when they picked up hitchhikers that Uncle tole me "never never stop for one,never."

Of course in a few days I seen a young pregnant lady hitchkikin' --Oh Lawdy, but I wanted to stop...but Uncles' voice was a echoin' in my heaid...so I passed the chile' and immediately I done felt my hear a thimpin, so I went round the block....to git her...she was gone.

I said a little prayer fer her, but for years when I passed that corner I seen her in my mind's eye. It's like she left a scar on me heart.

Long after I asked the Good Lord to gimme another chance and He did--but some I hep, some I doan....not sayin' I'se always right, but some I take ter be gen-yoo-wine, others a con artist. Let yore heart decide.

Youse a fine thang, ya' are--to care so,

Lady Lux said...

Snowsparkle:
yes, it is true...we must find discomfort "within"..because if we don't...we lose a sense of gratefulness that defines us as human beings....

thank you so much for dropping by...I'm heading off to yours after this!

Schaumi:
I've made decisions based on fear...a lot ov' decisions....a lot of fears...

thank you for reading..

KAte:

I sure hope your having fun!
The dancing on the table...wasn't my fault...someone named "J. Walker" made me do it! he!he!

:))


Farmboy2:

Thanks for stopping by. Your bloggy is sure interesting..light, breezy reading...It has some sort ov' TV series feel.You know...kinda' like, "I have to know what happens next..."


lesbopatticakes:

Thank you very much! I did come around your blog...tried to post a comment but something went wrong...I love the homey feel over there!I will be back to read later.

Mayden:

As always...you make me feel good about myself...Your bloggy posts inspire me to hang...just hang on...to a lot of things I want to let go..

Gary:

Why thank you kind sir!...

You know what?...I kinda' have this picture ov' you in my mind dressed as a dashing royal knight..bowing ever so kindly...hee!hee!

X. Dell:

precisely said..."how can I not?"


K9:

arf!arf!...

thanks for the terrific art work you did for me...I plan to have it framed!..I am sooo not kidding!...

forgotten memories...I sure have a lot of them...

Mr. Althouse:

Welcome to my own cyber camp!...I'll be back to yours.

SJ:

I am glad for the knd of happiness you have in your heart...It's the kind of happiness that is true...that is grateful because you notice things that are of importance...Not everybody has that spacific kind of happiness...

INFINITESIMAL:

ey' thanks for stopping by!...loved the picture ov' you that K9 drew!...hee!hee!

yap'..sisters gotta' stick together.

J Cosmo:

from one post to another...

a big thanks for what you just said...

you made me smile...


Aunty Belle:

wow!....what you just shared gave me comfort!...thank you so much..

butterflygirl said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Wonderful writing!

Tikka Masala said...

And I am telling you Lady Luxlucisvita that there is being no end to the problem within my sight. It is being most distressing in my country, when you are giving to one, you are attracting ten more and you cannot be giving to everyone, can you not? It is being most distressing but it is being the way of things.

Lady Lux said...

Tikka:

I understand what you mean...perfectly....it seems like here is no end in sight....but there is such a thing as hope...