My One Brave Thing ( revised )

It is always hard to admit the truth. Difficult would be a better word I suppose. Yes, both hard and difficult because I am stubborn. However, I have this deep acceptance that I have willingly and actively participated in the creation of what I have and what I am right now. Therefore, it is safe for me to assume that the opinions I have formulated about myself, are to some degree, accurate. I cannot fool me.

I know I am shy. Too shy. A shyness that is so comfortably nesting deep within my heart....A little girl shyness that refuses to let itself out behind its glass curtain wall. Others don't see this shyness I possess. My bubbliness when among friends, my silly laugh and my candor are infectious they say. When I stand before people to teach - I am up to the task. I perform...splendidly even. But...get me alone and shyness will show itself. It shows in many different odd ways that hinder my happiness.

Perhaps my shyness stems from fear. I may not know what kind...but I know fear. Like a kings ransom, I carry it.

This past week though I did something brave. Something for myself that needed to be done and I did it. I'm happy.

And so this afternoon, I have decided that after all that needs to be done is good and done, I shall wear my favorite jeans, put on a pretty shirt, pack my little computer and go to my favorite Starbuck's.... alone. There in a snuggly corner I shall write out a list of things that I haven't done because I am shy. And because I cuddle fear.

I promise myself to do one brave thing each day. Just one brave thing believe me. It could even be as simple as smiling at a passing stranger, or saying thank you while looking into someones eyes...

One small brave thing.....each day.

This is all I ask of me..

My NOW

That belly dancing video I bought about three months ago is sleeping snuggly' in the DVD rack. I had fun watching it once then tried the moves.....eeeeks!'....Why am I so stiff? So I opted for the yoga video....watched it for a week...learned the breaths..learned a little bit of "yogi doo' vocabulary"....tried it twice and now yoga video is "oming" in meditative bliss just beside the sultry belly dancing vid.

Yesterday, I saw a pole dance video in the store...Looooked interesting..."You don't even have to take your clothes off" it says on the cover...Wait...doesn't that take out a bit of the fun?! Snooks'...I would need a pole though for this one..Wonder what kind?...Steel?.....Bamboo? I don't have any poles around here...Oh' wait...look outside...electric poles! Yaaaah!

Oh' heck'...I guess my gym membership has expired. Me' don'tz think I wanna' go back there...too noisy. Anyway, there's this aerobic yoga place near here...I don't know what that means...Is it a mixture of aerobics and yoga?!...Is that even possible?....There was pilates mentioned in the streamer...Know what?..I swear....sweeear tomorrow I'm gonna' take a peek...Doubt if I'd like it though'...I think I'm some sort of a "solitary practitioner"..Whatever....right now...it's a Coke can and a pack of potato chips I'm practicing on...Oh' well..

Was thinking awhile ago...how "free" it is to not have to prove anything to anyone....or to myself...To not have the urge to impress or compete or look to your left and to your right to determine if somebody is one up on you...To not have to race anyone...To not have to be one step ahead...

I faced myself in the mirror and said..."You don't have to prove anything...to anyone...or to me.You're okay already. You're there."

Then somehow...I dunno why.......I felt free...I felt here...I felt NOW.