Milestones

I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures. For most part I am brimming with joy and wonderment in realizing that Hubz and I have crossed an even more significant milestone with the graduation of our youngest son. On the other hand, these pictures plant a small dot of whimsy sadness too. I have no babies anymore. They have grown up obviously. I miss my little boys.

Nobody who knows me knows what I'm going through as a mother. I am having a very very very difficult time inside of me just accepting the fact that I am not as depended on as I used to be.
Oh' yes, I am needed, but no longer in the same manner that I was when they were really young. If you are a parent who has sat through the high school or college graduation of your youngest child, you would know what I mean.

This turning point of my life is difficult emotionally not only for me but for my husband as well....even if he doesn't voice it. However, it has made us melt tighter to each other in the evenings, and has made us hold hands with as much tenderness as we cam muster. Sometimes it feels like..... just.... seeing each other again..really seeing each other.

I know we both wish a magic mantra would appear each morning in our consciousness, just wisely telling us our personal step by steps to take to make sure the succeeding days and years that these children are still living us will be perfect.

You see, I need a guarantee that everything will be OK. I need a guarantee that they will finish their college education, get a high paying job, see the world, find a beautiful kindhearted girl who will take care of them and love them. I need a guarantee that they will be genuinely happy.

The thing is there are never any guarantees. Were there ever any in my life? Anything can happen. This is why the heaviest whisper of prayer I always breath is for them to find their inner strength...for them to find their own selves within..for them to find their genuine divineness...to find the seat of God that resides inside of them. If I could only journey this path of discovery for each child of mine I would. But I can't. They have to do this by themselves. I have to let go. I have to trust.

When I look at them..talk to them...it shocks me at certain times to find me speaking back...I find atoms of me in them...it astounds, amazes, and even scares me sometimes.

And yet, they are so different....just different people...different in everything...different souls...So different that it drives me to consider without a doubt the validity of one God.

Funny when they were just babies I had this idea about how they would be like when they reach this age. As children grow up, you soon realize the fact that they are their own people....their own selves. My boys are...not my own....they came from me.....but yet..they came from somewhere..somewhere...somewhere....beautiful....They came from the keeper of souls..the breather of life...And to think that I have been entrusted with these lives...just gives me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness..and humbleness.



I am so just aware of the challenges facing us. I'm cool - he's cool. In fact, he was cool last night when our oldest son came home with his left ear pierced and silver studded...ha! ha! ha! We've been through rough and survived...ye' We are never alone.

It's still a jolly good feel though' to be told we are "young parents" hee! hee!

Oh'....gosh...perhaps I need a support group...The college years of these kids will be very very crucial times. Our oldest has about two years more to go, the youngest starts this June. I know I need to be cool..and strong.and just be level headed. Preaching and sermons are so passe'....sometimes I can't help it. I hate drama, specially when it comes from me.

And yes, though there are times I wish I could have been better...more mature..more prepared..more understanding..more..more..more of this and that...really..all the mores I wish for won't matter anymore...I'd like to think that I did the best I could considering how young I was when I had them. They've never broken my heart..I've never been called to school for anything wrong they've done..ever. I thank them for that.

Their dad is great. They're lucky.

So in hindsight, I have a treasure chest of blessings..I only have to i look into our future with hope, strength, encouragement and yes, gratitude.

Love Given

Model Unit: The Georgia Club
Cost: 11 million pesos ( conversion: 42 pesos - so s0- to a dollar)
note: I am not a real estate broker..took this shot when we went property hunting..but by golly' this house is so gorgeous...has wrap around porch and pool behind.

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I may have been whinny' about the girl-friend but I am not stone cold unforgiving. So awhile ago I gave her a call to check if she received what I sent her yesterday. Apparently, she did. Chitty-chat chitty chat a bit then I had to go.

I feel relieved. At least I did something nice for someone - only next time I better muster the gall to say "no " if I don't want to give in to a favor after all. Beats saying "yes" then going crap over how I feel I'd been had. It is just unfair to her or anyone else. Even more so to me. Kinda' like lying.

I can't waste minute of my life getting gunked about someone or something when I practically have deciding power over a given situation. Lame. Didn't I say somewhere back that I would only do for a day what I "want" to do?

Ho ho..ya'....
My blog is my conscience. I write something, read it a month or so after and it smacks me right on the face.

"Whoa'..I said that?..I would do what?! "

A shadow that keeps me grounded and real my space is.

Speaking of real, early this morning Hubz and I went out with my youngest son, "K". Graduation rites are set for Monday but a 2008 baccalaureate service was hosted by their school this morning. Since K is in the graduating class, it was imperative that we be there.

Am I thankful we "both" ( emphasis on the both) took time for this! I just felt so sorry for the sad kids whose parents weren't available for whatever reason. It meant so much for the students that their moms and dads be together there. Even those with one parent in attendance wished wistfully for both. For some it really wasn't possible. Separated. Single parents. Unresolved issues. Overseas Workers. It got emotional at one point.

Anyway, halfway through the service I stole a glance at him (Hubz) and noticed how he seemed to be so seriously engrossed with the sermon.

"He must be so just agreeing with everything...just internalizing the meaning of this moment," my mind said.

Brought my straying self back on focus and caught up on something about firm foundations and obedience and love. Definitely, graduation moving on talk.

A moment after, Hubz gently inches himself over to me real close, takes my hand, and bows down.

"My gosh' he must be so just emotional that his son is graduating on Monday...He is so sensitive I know," my mind gushes.

I squeeze his hand, snuggle a centimeter closer and look at him with this 7th heaven "oh' honey time flies our baby is all grown up" look on my face. He returns my gaze smiles and mutters "firm foundation....."

Then he smiles again..and smiles again..and smiles again...kinda' evil.

Uhuh???

I smile back kinda' puzzled thinking how he must be relating the foundation of our family to what the speaker was saying....How we've built from scratch..How we dug deep into the core till we found the rock of rocks and started pouring cement of love..and so how we are unlike the dumb dude' in the Bible who built on sand...like duh'...surely he should have known when waves come a' crashin' it would flip flop his fortress....ain't rocket science...And how sand guy must learn a lot from us cause we rock yah'..we built our home on firm foundation..we are love engineers and we are so looking to the bright future of this foundation..... and ya' someday our kids will learn from our holy example... and...a path will open and light will....

"We had fun last night ey!?" the devil whispers into my ear somewhere between obedience and discipleship.

I bow even more fervently and with my eyes closed hissed "stop it."

He bows even mooooore reverentially, looks at me and proceeds to extrapolate the rudiments of obedience and foundations according to his understanding based from last nights um'.....service.

It was a chorus of "amens" that exorcised the heaving giggles out of me. I have this pinch of a hunch the couples behind us must have been thinking how "moved" we were by the ceremony....he!

So the kids went on stage one after another and yes...I am so proud of my boy who, I have found out, is quite popular (!) He gave a quick cute very wonderful impromptu speech about how .....

" we mostly ignore the real heroes of our lives....and you both are my heroes..."
I didn't cry...I was just really happy.

And when I think..really crazy pure think and consider all that I have...really.....what right do I still possess to complain? What right do I still have to whine and fret and demand of others? What insane right do I have to question the trivialities of the days I have been given? What right do I have to look at what others may have and question "why not me?"....why don't I have that?...I deserve that...I'd look good in that....I want that!!!!!! Fool.

Surely I know..I am not a dent rich in gold....but honestly the inside me never gave a care for gold...( or silver or bronze or anything that can be pawned) I like...shucks'.....I like pucca shells! I never gave hoot for Havaianas. I like walking barefoot in the sand...I never gave hoot for mansions....I like cool wooden floors and breezy swaying palms peeking through my windows...I don't need designer camisoles...I'll wear him in the evenings.

With this ( long) thought I bid you all a good happy weekend.

May we all see the spirit of happiness that surrounds us. It may not be that obvious..and sometimes..yes it cruelly hides. I know for a fact that some of us are alone...people have left...and now you're feeling hopeless...you want to die...
Some of us have been swindled by a lover....he isn't coming back....
Some of us have miscarried....you're never having a baby again..ever...
Some of us have lost jobs...you owe..big time...

Some of us..are just sad...
for some mysterious unfounded undiscovered reason....
just sad.

I don't have answers only..a phrase..

"hang on"....

just hang on..one more minute..one more hour...one more day...just hang on...for how long it takes..just hang on....

And somehow...with even just a little little little little hope...smile for yourself...just for yourself..
and say I love you....even if there's no one to say it to...there is you...say I love you to you.....that's enough...

it's enough..

because love given..
returns

See you mid next week...
bye...

Luv'..Luxie doo'....

My 20 Valentines

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow and so forgive me for being uber "cooorny" right now. Just that...stumbled on a local Nescafe advertisement that really brings back a particular loverly youthful carefree memory...

I was 20 and so was he...

Course' I didn't look anything like this girl back then.I was really skinny to start with. I was in torn faded jeans and had on a shirt that boldly screamed "Nike". Doubt if I looked anything sexy' but we had bikes..ye'....

I remember biking in the rain...near the bay. I bet I looked freaky ha! ha!. When he reminds me I cringe...embarrassed you could say. Oh' but then how many sweethearts get to really silly run through a downpour huh?. Those were our "who gives a damn days".I think somehow..it still is.

How many valentines have we had since then eh?...So..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to everyone. This day isn't just for lovers splish splashing.It's an intimate wonderful celebration of being One..being brothers and sisters....being human...and being divine as well. And this Love transcends all borders and boundaries..cultural..religious..language...whatever...

Everybody wants love..Everybody is LOVE...

And to the boy back then who went crazy running in the rain with me, I Love You....and I'd really rather that we have a barbeque dinner at home instead of going out...but bring home a big round of pizza...thin slice..with shrimps on top....and a bottle of wine of course..

You know what I mean ;>

Spread the love everyone..mwah!

Choosing LAdy Happy

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden. - Buddha

The comments a post down were sweet and so generously given. I savor each word with such relish that I think and ponder and think once again on what each of you said. Really....it touches me that people would take precious time to consider the little croonings I type. Slowly but surely I will visit each of you to let you know the insights I have garnered from your sharing.


The past week has been extra difficult for both of us. We have been through a rough ferris wheel ride of every conceivable emotion there is. For a while it seemed like our world was playfully being tossed back and forth from one divine mighty hand to another. Unbelievably, in a span of two days we have majestically self - learned crucial life lessons about rearing and guiding two teenage boys who are trying to discover and thread their own individual paths as well.

Oh' it was tough...it was dramatic...it was exhausting!.... BUUUT... we faced the challenge together and can safely say that we have garnered a hard earned measure of victory...yah!

To celebrate a milestone of sorts we spent Monday together.Yes, there was work to be done but I gamely tagged along. In the afternoon our almost eighteen year old ( in a few days) son met us for coffee. How darlingly' grown up he looked like ....a ( cute) half of me...and a half of my Hubz'....


Mulling over what I wrote below, including your insightful words, and also considering everything that has transpired...tonight.... in retrospect.... I must say that it seems like "the more we decide on Lady Happiness....( even in trying circumstances)...the more Lady Happiness decides on us as well."

With this said allow me to share a wee' glimpse of my Monday with you. Do click on: SENSUALUXIOUS.

Joy to all you!