Milestones

I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures. For most part I am brimming with joy and wonderment in realizing that Hubz and I have crossed an even more significant milestone with the graduation of our youngest son. On the other hand, these pictures plant a small dot of whimsy sadness too. I have no babies anymore. They have grown up obviously. I miss my little boys.

Nobody who knows me knows what I'm going through as a mother. I am having a very very very difficult time inside of me just accepting the fact that I am not as depended on as I used to be.
Oh' yes, I am needed, but no longer in the same manner that I was when they were really young. If you are a parent who has sat through the high school or college graduation of your youngest child, you would know what I mean.

This turning point of my life is difficult emotionally not only for me but for my husband as well....even if he doesn't voice it. However, it has made us melt tighter to each other in the evenings, and has made us hold hands with as much tenderness as we cam muster. Sometimes it feels like..... just.... seeing each other again..really seeing each other.

I know we both wish a magic mantra would appear each morning in our consciousness, just wisely telling us our personal step by steps to take to make sure the succeeding days and years that these children are still living us will be perfect.

You see, I need a guarantee that everything will be OK. I need a guarantee that they will finish their college education, get a high paying job, see the world, find a beautiful kindhearted girl who will take care of them and love them. I need a guarantee that they will be genuinely happy.

The thing is there are never any guarantees. Were there ever any in my life? Anything can happen. This is why the heaviest whisper of prayer I always breath is for them to find their inner strength...for them to find their own selves within..for them to find their genuine divineness...to find the seat of God that resides inside of them. If I could only journey this path of discovery for each child of mine I would. But I can't. They have to do this by themselves. I have to let go. I have to trust.

When I look at them..talk to them...it shocks me at certain times to find me speaking back...I find atoms of me in them...it astounds, amazes, and even scares me sometimes.

And yet, they are so different....just different people...different in everything...different souls...So different that it drives me to consider without a doubt the validity of one God.

Funny when they were just babies I had this idea about how they would be like when they reach this age. As children grow up, you soon realize the fact that they are their own people....their own selves. My boys are...not my own....they came from me.....but yet..they came from somewhere..somewhere...somewhere....beautiful....They came from the keeper of souls..the breather of life...And to think that I have been entrusted with these lives...just gives me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness..and humbleness.



I am so just aware of the challenges facing us. I'm cool - he's cool. In fact, he was cool last night when our oldest son came home with his left ear pierced and silver studded...ha! ha! ha! We've been through rough and survived...ye' We are never alone.

It's still a jolly good feel though' to be told we are "young parents" hee! hee!

Oh'....gosh...perhaps I need a support group...The college years of these kids will be very very crucial times. Our oldest has about two years more to go, the youngest starts this June. I know I need to be cool..and strong.and just be level headed. Preaching and sermons are so passe'....sometimes I can't help it. I hate drama, specially when it comes from me.

And yes, though there are times I wish I could have been better...more mature..more prepared..more understanding..more..more..more of this and that...really..all the mores I wish for won't matter anymore...I'd like to think that I did the best I could considering how young I was when I had them. They've never broken my heart..I've never been called to school for anything wrong they've done..ever. I thank them for that.

Their dad is great. They're lucky.

So in hindsight, I have a treasure chest of blessings..I only have to i look into our future with hope, strength, encouragement and yes, gratitude.

Holy Week Break

Ah' home again...

Sometimes for no apparent reason I find myself struggling to find fitting words to express even a tinge of what I want to say. Now is such a moment.

You see, I had it a while ago...the start..the middle....the end...intertwined thoughts that smoothly flow in my mind just needing to grandly flash in this space. And yet here I am..at 11:37 pm..alone and with all this quiet around...a real bloggy' hallmarky' moment...only...nothing... none of the words I had an hour ago exist still. Like scrambling bandits they have all but deserted me.

Just as well probably because tomorrow is Palm Sunday. Perhaps my mind is rooting for quiet and contemplation. Let me just give in.

Allow me to say though that the week gone by was truly beautiful. I have seen pretty places and have finely dined in the best there is. I have nothing but gratefulness in my heart for it all. The "sweet nice" I was expecting came forth.

I wish you the same happiness this week..the same peace and the same joy that I experienced. And throughout the coming days may your reflection and mine be one of deep gratitude and hope. May we be gently reminded that in spite of all the chaos and turmoil and noise around us...the truth remains that God dwells within us......all.. ..always....

speaking..reaching...comforting..

In celebration of Holy week may we dwell in God' s holy silence to hear the one true voice that truly matters...in this world where everybody has something to say..

Life Is My Decadent Cake....

I had my cake and ate ( a lot..shucks! ) ov' it too! Oh' but thank you all for the greets both here and in meatspace.

See that angelic divine thing there?!
Nothing..oh' absolutely nothing that can come close to the heavenly taste of this cake I ate. A real melts in your mouth and not in your hands experience. Hubz said this Mango Bravo is a bestseller. In fact, he was advised by patrons at the bakeshop to quit dilly dallying in deciding and just get it. So he did - much to the relief of everyone there. Wow! Really, I had to be restrained! Absolutely no self control whatsoever! Gosh' I want a slice even now. Sinfully decadent!

And it's a sweet breezy cooly day here. The funky weatherman said he is all but totally baffled by the...well..weather. We should be sweltering in heat by now...all huffing and puffing and complaining and just dying to get to the beach. Buuut'...would you believe that hasn't happened yet? Nope. We here are in the midst of spring like cool. Weird almost. Not that I'm complaining tho'...nooope...am' enjoying it. I just hope for hopes when the real summer hits us it won't book itself an extended stay. Just a month and a half of super sunshine power groovy enough to run wild wanton in the sand...he!he!

Me' plans to have a whole lotsa' fun this summer. I'm even writing down stuff we can do...some with the boys and some with the Hubz. There's a diving sched there between us...probably at romantic Coco Beach Resort in Puerto Gallera..or maybe in exotic Palawan...or maybe in touristy Boracay. Wherever... as long as it has sand, sunshine, pina colada', food and lots of happy people...

Hmm'....was planning to write on a more specific topic- something totally serious..relevant... like maybe local politics (?..eeks' ) or corruption or world affairs. Ye' something like that. This has turned out to be a breezy blabbering about cake and the weather. No matter.

I've got the swooning Nat King Cole playing in the background and a shower ready for me. Ah' me' life is cool and grand and fun....I hope yours is too...

Yeah'....:>

PS: One of my fave bloggers, Maryam of My Marrakesh is actually going to summer in Boracay....Take a peek at this place where I too loooooong to be...

Click on: BORACAY ROCKS THE KASBAH

Meet the lovely owner of the Kasbah: PINAY IN BARNSLEY

My 40 Beginnings

40.

If one thing can be said about numbers darlings, it is that...they too may stand for a word. Take for example, when a woman says 40, that could, in all possibility, mean more than a number. It could be a sigh. It could be a bold declaration of beginnings and the graceful acceptance of endings.

This 3rd day of the 3rd month I begin a new chapter in my life. Excitement pours through my nerves when I think this. The kind of excitement laced with orchid calm. It isn't at all like the gibberish giddiness of when I turned 30.

I feel sort of relieved. The lady that I was when I was 30 seems a ship a far away...but I'm happy for her. She has done well I think. She has kept the most important thing - the heart of a solid home.

She has held captive the heart of a strong good man. She is raising a couple of good strong men. She has taught four year olds their first ABC"S. She has held their little sweet fingers in hers and helped them trace swirls and circles and slants. She has even taught them the Antelope Song.

She has taught teenagers their first taste of Bacon. With essays on travels and friendships, she has shown them how personal value is a foundation to being and self discovery a penchant to breathing.

She has taught adults the hidden intricacies of communication...the secret layers beneath primary sentences that color a person's innermost meaning. She has coached and managed people and in the course, inspired other women to move on.

In spite of what she thinks, she has been brave in many different ways.

This lady has made a lot of things too. She has made meals, and presentations, and sales talks. She has made love, and made fury, and made friends. More than that, she has, quite stunningly, made the most fascinating mistakes as well! Oh' how grand those were!

There are no regrets. She loves..and loves in the meaning of what her love is.

Ah' quite the sentimental journey I will be taking this month of March...

Interesting, when I add up all the numbers that constitute the day and month and year of my birth, everything equals to 30. A number of balance...a number of completeness. This thought makes me smile.

Another quainter thing to note is that..I will always share the same day of celebrating a birthday with this man I love. If my birthday falls on a Monday, so too will his birthday be. Forever. For as long as there are years between us to share. So cool.

I will think of you sweethearts, but I take a bow for now. Just a week away from cybieland...to walk alone and be with some...to think..to write..to watch....to just..be...

Now that I am, in all essence, wonderfully 40.


( Foamy: Thanks for the greet. Yes, I am the "fishy one" ..ha!ha!ha!ha! to your comment...Cheers and a toast to you as well...My boys also fall asleep on the couch..:)

My YOU Inspiration

Self expression...this is what my blog is all about. And I believe that though my posts may sometimes ring silly, writing here has made me a calm happier person.

Reflecting on this, I am so just sorry for Shakespeare and Hemingway and Monet and Poe and all those great great writers and artists and scientists and just about everyone else, big or small, who did not live to see this age of internet magic. Imagine their astounded expression if they could, by some divine beam of back to the future glitch in time, be here right now witnessing this technology. The power that we possess through this medium is just unbelievable. It is the true summation awesome of all AWESOME'S combined!

As for me, I discovered blogging magic one Sunday 2004 February morning through CNN. Sitting there in front of my Sony TV hearing what those fun savvy blogging women were up to, and how they could relate and excitingly connect with other women the world over was just tooooo much of a writing lust temptation to ignore. I simply could not.....could not resist.

36. I was 36 when I started writing online. My teaching days in school, where I went, what I ate, what I wore and who said who was mostly what I wrote about. Boring really. Gosh' face it, who on earth would want to read about a Filipina teacher's field trip at Enchanted Kingdom!? But I wasn't really expecting anyone to read. No cares really. Back then everything this is was just for the sheer narcissistic amusement of seeing my words on a monitor screen.

Then came my dark days. That sullen point when I had a few "issues" about me and about life in general. The more issues, the more cryptic writings appeared. I was a jarful of discombobulation. Words in jumbled thoughts poured...and swooshed and sloshed and poured to my detriment, sometimes, without even giving second thought.

When I started getting feedback from other bloggers the awesome infusion of cyberpace blood coursed through me. I felt like I wasn't just writing anymore. I was connecting. I was blogging. For real.

Those were my ABC baby footstep toddler tottering days of blogging . Not once did I ever read about blogging do's and don't s...I learned it first hand...mistakes and all....I am still learning.

This blog is about me still. About Me. It holds my inner thoughts, my humble meanderings...my simple reflections about life. However, it has also evolved into something much more important. This blog has become a portal of YOU. This is now about YOU.

It is about all the YOU's that I read and I visit and I connect to each moment I am here. It is about your life, and your day, and your story, and your happy, and your sadness, and your crazy, your inspiration, and your puzzles, and your food and your homes...just everything about you. Honestly, it is the inspiration I draw in from your story that makes blogging worthwhile.

When bloggers write from the heart, sharing words they wouldn't normally tell others in a real time conversation, I feel that. It makes the time I spend in cyberspace such an intimate uplifting experience. When people share their pictures..their art....their talent...the whole world seeps inside of me and takes a peaceful prism glow. Even if for a moment I feel you and I have ceased to become different. We are one.

I guess what I want to say is I am deeply grateful to be living today.

I am grateful to be so alive in this era. What a gift!

I am so just happy grateful for the wonderful opportunity to read all the blogs I read...

and I am so just grateful for the inspiration of YOU.

My 20 Valentines

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow and so forgive me for being uber "cooorny" right now. Just that...stumbled on a local Nescafe advertisement that really brings back a particular loverly youthful carefree memory...

I was 20 and so was he...

Course' I didn't look anything like this girl back then.I was really skinny to start with. I was in torn faded jeans and had on a shirt that boldly screamed "Nike". Doubt if I looked anything sexy' but we had bikes..ye'....

I remember biking in the rain...near the bay. I bet I looked freaky ha! ha!. When he reminds me I cringe...embarrassed you could say. Oh' but then how many sweethearts get to really silly run through a downpour huh?. Those were our "who gives a damn days".I think somehow..it still is.

How many valentines have we had since then eh?...So..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to everyone. This day isn't just for lovers splish splashing.It's an intimate wonderful celebration of being One..being brothers and sisters....being human...and being divine as well. And this Love transcends all borders and boundaries..cultural..religious..language...whatever...

Everybody wants love..Everybody is LOVE...

And to the boy back then who went crazy running in the rain with me, I Love You....and I'd really rather that we have a barbeque dinner at home instead of going out...but bring home a big round of pizza...thin slice..with shrimps on top....and a bottle of wine of course..

You know what I mean ;>

Spread the love everyone..mwah!