Milestones

I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures. For most part I am brimming with joy and wonderment in realizing that Hubz and I have crossed an even more significant milestone with the graduation of our youngest son. On the other hand, these pictures plant a small dot of whimsy sadness too. I have no babies anymore. They have grown up obviously. I miss my little boys.

Nobody who knows me knows what I'm going through as a mother. I am having a very very very difficult time inside of me just accepting the fact that I am not as depended on as I used to be.
Oh' yes, I am needed, but no longer in the same manner that I was when they were really young. If you are a parent who has sat through the high school or college graduation of your youngest child, you would know what I mean.

This turning point of my life is difficult emotionally not only for me but for my husband as well....even if he doesn't voice it. However, it has made us melt tighter to each other in the evenings, and has made us hold hands with as much tenderness as we cam muster. Sometimes it feels like..... just.... seeing each other again..really seeing each other.

I know we both wish a magic mantra would appear each morning in our consciousness, just wisely telling us our personal step by steps to take to make sure the succeeding days and years that these children are still living us will be perfect.

You see, I need a guarantee that everything will be OK. I need a guarantee that they will finish their college education, get a high paying job, see the world, find a beautiful kindhearted girl who will take care of them and love them. I need a guarantee that they will be genuinely happy.

The thing is there are never any guarantees. Were there ever any in my life? Anything can happen. This is why the heaviest whisper of prayer I always breath is for them to find their inner strength...for them to find their own selves within..for them to find their genuine divineness...to find the seat of God that resides inside of them. If I could only journey this path of discovery for each child of mine I would. But I can't. They have to do this by themselves. I have to let go. I have to trust.

When I look at them..talk to them...it shocks me at certain times to find me speaking back...I find atoms of me in them...it astounds, amazes, and even scares me sometimes.

And yet, they are so different....just different people...different in everything...different souls...So different that it drives me to consider without a doubt the validity of one God.

Funny when they were just babies I had this idea about how they would be like when they reach this age. As children grow up, you soon realize the fact that they are their own people....their own selves. My boys are...not my own....they came from me.....but yet..they came from somewhere..somewhere...somewhere....beautiful....They came from the keeper of souls..the breather of life...And to think that I have been entrusted with these lives...just gives me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness..and humbleness.



I am so just aware of the challenges facing us. I'm cool - he's cool. In fact, he was cool last night when our oldest son came home with his left ear pierced and silver studded...ha! ha! ha! We've been through rough and survived...ye' We are never alone.

It's still a jolly good feel though' to be told we are "young parents" hee! hee!

Oh'....gosh...perhaps I need a support group...The college years of these kids will be very very crucial times. Our oldest has about two years more to go, the youngest starts this June. I know I need to be cool..and strong.and just be level headed. Preaching and sermons are so passe'....sometimes I can't help it. I hate drama, specially when it comes from me.

And yes, though there are times I wish I could have been better...more mature..more prepared..more understanding..more..more..more of this and that...really..all the mores I wish for won't matter anymore...I'd like to think that I did the best I could considering how young I was when I had them. They've never broken my heart..I've never been called to school for anything wrong they've done..ever. I thank them for that.

Their dad is great. They're lucky.

So in hindsight, I have a treasure chest of blessings..I only have to i look into our future with hope, strength, encouragement and yes, gratitude.

Love Given

Model Unit: The Georgia Club
Cost: 11 million pesos ( conversion: 42 pesos - so s0- to a dollar)
note: I am not a real estate broker..took this shot when we went property hunting..but by golly' this house is so gorgeous...has wrap around porch and pool behind.

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I may have been whinny' about the girl-friend but I am not stone cold unforgiving. So awhile ago I gave her a call to check if she received what I sent her yesterday. Apparently, she did. Chitty-chat chitty chat a bit then I had to go.

I feel relieved. At least I did something nice for someone - only next time I better muster the gall to say "no " if I don't want to give in to a favor after all. Beats saying "yes" then going crap over how I feel I'd been had. It is just unfair to her or anyone else. Even more so to me. Kinda' like lying.

I can't waste minute of my life getting gunked about someone or something when I practically have deciding power over a given situation. Lame. Didn't I say somewhere back that I would only do for a day what I "want" to do?

Ho ho..ya'....
My blog is my conscience. I write something, read it a month or so after and it smacks me right on the face.

"Whoa'..I said that?..I would do what?! "

A shadow that keeps me grounded and real my space is.

Speaking of real, early this morning Hubz and I went out with my youngest son, "K". Graduation rites are set for Monday but a 2008 baccalaureate service was hosted by their school this morning. Since K is in the graduating class, it was imperative that we be there.

Am I thankful we "both" ( emphasis on the both) took time for this! I just felt so sorry for the sad kids whose parents weren't available for whatever reason. It meant so much for the students that their moms and dads be together there. Even those with one parent in attendance wished wistfully for both. For some it really wasn't possible. Separated. Single parents. Unresolved issues. Overseas Workers. It got emotional at one point.

Anyway, halfway through the service I stole a glance at him (Hubz) and noticed how he seemed to be so seriously engrossed with the sermon.

"He must be so just agreeing with everything...just internalizing the meaning of this moment," my mind said.

Brought my straying self back on focus and caught up on something about firm foundations and obedience and love. Definitely, graduation moving on talk.

A moment after, Hubz gently inches himself over to me real close, takes my hand, and bows down.

"My gosh' he must be so just emotional that his son is graduating on Monday...He is so sensitive I know," my mind gushes.

I squeeze his hand, snuggle a centimeter closer and look at him with this 7th heaven "oh' honey time flies our baby is all grown up" look on my face. He returns my gaze smiles and mutters "firm foundation....."

Then he smiles again..and smiles again..and smiles again...kinda' evil.

Uhuh???

I smile back kinda' puzzled thinking how he must be relating the foundation of our family to what the speaker was saying....How we've built from scratch..How we dug deep into the core till we found the rock of rocks and started pouring cement of love..and so how we are unlike the dumb dude' in the Bible who built on sand...like duh'...surely he should have known when waves come a' crashin' it would flip flop his fortress....ain't rocket science...And how sand guy must learn a lot from us cause we rock yah'..we built our home on firm foundation..we are love engineers and we are so looking to the bright future of this foundation..... and ya' someday our kids will learn from our holy example... and...a path will open and light will....

"We had fun last night ey!?" the devil whispers into my ear somewhere between obedience and discipleship.

I bow even more fervently and with my eyes closed hissed "stop it."

He bows even mooooore reverentially, looks at me and proceeds to extrapolate the rudiments of obedience and foundations according to his understanding based from last nights um'.....service.

It was a chorus of "amens" that exorcised the heaving giggles out of me. I have this pinch of a hunch the couples behind us must have been thinking how "moved" we were by the ceremony....he!

So the kids went on stage one after another and yes...I am so proud of my boy who, I have found out, is quite popular (!) He gave a quick cute very wonderful impromptu speech about how .....

" we mostly ignore the real heroes of our lives....and you both are my heroes..."
I didn't cry...I was just really happy.

And when I think..really crazy pure think and consider all that I have...really.....what right do I still possess to complain? What right do I still have to whine and fret and demand of others? What insane right do I have to question the trivialities of the days I have been given? What right do I have to look at what others may have and question "why not me?"....why don't I have that?...I deserve that...I'd look good in that....I want that!!!!!! Fool.

Surely I know..I am not a dent rich in gold....but honestly the inside me never gave a care for gold...( or silver or bronze or anything that can be pawned) I like...shucks'.....I like pucca shells! I never gave hoot for Havaianas. I like walking barefoot in the sand...I never gave hoot for mansions....I like cool wooden floors and breezy swaying palms peeking through my windows...I don't need designer camisoles...I'll wear him in the evenings.

With this ( long) thought I bid you all a good happy weekend.

May we all see the spirit of happiness that surrounds us. It may not be that obvious..and sometimes..yes it cruelly hides. I know for a fact that some of us are alone...people have left...and now you're feeling hopeless...you want to die...
Some of us have been swindled by a lover....he isn't coming back....
Some of us have miscarried....you're never having a baby again..ever...
Some of us have lost jobs...you owe..big time...

Some of us..are just sad...
for some mysterious unfounded undiscovered reason....
just sad.

I don't have answers only..a phrase..

"hang on"....

just hang on..one more minute..one more hour...one more day...just hang on...for how long it takes..just hang on....

And somehow...with even just a little little little little hope...smile for yourself...just for yourself..
and say I love you....even if there's no one to say it to...there is you...say I love you to you.....that's enough...

it's enough..

because love given..
returns

See you mid next week...
bye...

Luv'..Luxie doo'....

Pro Bono - Por Pabor!

Sitting here with a mug of strong scalding hot black coffee, I can't help but wonder about certain ladies in my life who call themselves "my friend." How can I help it..thinking this way..when I am now faced with a writing task deftly passed to me last night in the middle of frying ham. I couldn't say "no." Well, I could have I guess, but she sounded desperate and so in need. How can I refuse a "friend" in "need" tell me.

Then again this isn't the first time she has asked for a similar favor. I've always gladly obliged. In fact,I've always gladly obliged to the lot of them asking for favors like this. I've done their power packed "I am the corporate hero you need resumes." I've done their marketing brochures. I've done their client proposals. I've edited and written letters in behalf of them to foreign employers. And yes, I am proud to say that I have played an instrumental part (as far as documents and coaching is concerned) to the immigration and Canadian citizenship of a friend.

I love my friends.
I take time for them.
I value them.

No friend of mine can ever claim I was less of anything. I'm not perfect. No. But I am very valuable. No, not because I've done what I said I've done for them.
No.

My value cannot be measured by paperwork or words or anything I give. What I give I give because of my own peculiar brand of love. The kind of love only I can give. Search for the same love I dare you! Search for the same smile..Search for the same lunatic laugh!..Search for the same stories...Search for the same drama I can be...Search for the energy that is me... I daaare you!!...

search the oceans..
search the seas...
search the valleys..
ask the trees...

talk to the mountains..
croak with a frog
ask him where can I find a Luxie love?

Do my friends really care for me?!? Huh?....At all???

Who...whoooo has asked me how I am lately? Am I breathing? Am I dead yet? Am I hungry? Am I sad? Am I angry? Do I want a cookie? Eh???. At least a text message saying "I think of you?" - heck' not the forwarded green jokes that float to every name in a phone book. Just me.

Who....................who has done this?!....

?????????????????????????????.....

Ya'..that's who!!

Sigh'...

And soooo?....Yeah' I'm doing it. In fact, I'll do it after this. I'll write the speech ( 3 speeches!... the nerve). I'll send it. I'll get a "thank you friend..you saved my day" kind of thank you. I'll feel happy for you. And then.......that's it girl. That's it.

BlueDream

I have a simple dream. The dream of all my simple dreams. The dream that has been nesting deep within my heart ever since my soul came to be.

Secretly..

There is someone else harboring the same dream. Not telling me about it. Keeping it inside.This dream of his he guards so tight. Inside his mind, he thinks it. His dream.

Blue. Calm. Peace. Waves. Sand. Wet. Wild. Sunshine. Frolic. Stroll. Breeze.Palms.

I got the call yesterday...we will take a look at something, says he.

My dream. His dream. Our dream.

...birthing reality....




Blue dreaming and me...

Teenage Invasion!

Teenagers!

Bushy and I are holed up in the bedroom. A few moments ago a loud throng of teenagers ( with my 16 year old son leading) came knock knocking into my home. Right now they are all ( about 10) lazyingly sprawled in my living room floor giggling, laughing while all the while watching a DVD film ( 300..whoo whoo! ) and munching on Big Macs and fries...Kinda' petrifying really!

I know this is it..shucks'..the official start of summer vacation. Uh' oh'...snooks'..kids will be home for more than a month...what to do....what to do!..More of this hangin' around for them I guess...

But the coming Friday is extra special. This youngest son of mine will be graduating from high school. Graduating...wow'....dig that!? When his dad and I think about this fact, we still get kinda' stunned...and I mean..stunned..stunned. Gosh'..last kid off high school..whew! We are now so officially done with nappies' ( did that in our 20's)...done with museum field trips...done with just about everything most of our peers are still groping into. At 40, we have two boys in college...unbelievable.

I'm relieved honestly. I look at some of my friends who actually still have toddlers and gaaawsh'....sorry man....but really...I mean..I'm just glad there aren't any talks about eating squash or asparagus or carrots in my home anymore. You want pizza? Ok..you got it then... pizza it is.. I am sooo00 not going to argue! Pizza for peace.

Of course, this also means we get more of the "challenges" that have to be seriously seriously seriously dealt with. Reminders about hanging out with the wrong crowd in college, smoking, dope, sex, drinking....the works.

I'm still unsure how...um'...competent I am to deal with all these issues..the changes...the borrowing of the car...the trusting ( oh' shucks' the trusting) that they would make the right choices...I know my kids are basically okay...

wonder if I am.
wonder if I will be.

Mabuhay! ( Long Live! )

A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

A HAPPY JOYFUL AND LOVE FILLED EASTER TO EVERYONE!

Holy Week Break

Ah' home again...

Sometimes for no apparent reason I find myself struggling to find fitting words to express even a tinge of what I want to say. Now is such a moment.

You see, I had it a while ago...the start..the middle....the end...intertwined thoughts that smoothly flow in my mind just needing to grandly flash in this space. And yet here I am..at 11:37 pm..alone and with all this quiet around...a real bloggy' hallmarky' moment...only...nothing... none of the words I had an hour ago exist still. Like scrambling bandits they have all but deserted me.

Just as well probably because tomorrow is Palm Sunday. Perhaps my mind is rooting for quiet and contemplation. Let me just give in.

Allow me to say though that the week gone by was truly beautiful. I have seen pretty places and have finely dined in the best there is. I have nothing but gratefulness in my heart for it all. The "sweet nice" I was expecting came forth.

I wish you the same happiness this week..the same peace and the same joy that I experienced. And throughout the coming days may your reflection and mine be one of deep gratitude and hope. May we be gently reminded that in spite of all the chaos and turmoil and noise around us...the truth remains that God dwells within us......all.. ..always....

speaking..reaching...comforting..

In celebration of Holy week may we dwell in God' s holy silence to hear the one true voice that truly matters...in this world where everybody has something to say..

Huka Huka Glory

If I could Crayola graph my "calmness" quotient for the past week, Saturday would register a screeching plunge...plunge, plunge, (!) into the steep abyss nothingness of this world's peacefulness. In short, I lost it. And I'm not talking about my virginity tho' that would make for quite an interesting story he!...Someday ya! What I lost was more of my sanity.

Blew my top...biiiig time ( siiiiiiiiiigh)...I hate..hate..hate it when that happens. I can be like a dormant volcano looking all pristine gloooooey smiley and just looking so Fuji zen and Everest strong in all my huka huka glory'..theeeen it hits! Twisted magma simmers and boils and grunts and pushes and.....

Kaboooom'...eeeeeyaaayaahhhh!

Gawd'...it's just entirely darn frustrating to set out on deciding that I won't let things get into me and so when it does...gawd' it's just so hard to forgive myself. Sniffy' sniffity me....

But that was yesterday morning folks. Past. Today is a different story. The lunch I prepped was well gobbled up and everything is a drizzle of laughing moments once again. Crazy life really.

And I'm grateful to realize that ye'..I've done a major brave thing....Well' two....One is - I'm driving again..( clap! clap! clap!) It's been quite a while since I've been behind the wheel...it's quite liberating to "not be so scared"...Driving in Manila..wow!...

Another brave thingy' for me is that I actually...actually..attended my first yoga session last Friday! I didn't just imagine and plan..I actually did it!! I met new people too! Whoohee'!! Stepped out of me' comfort zone to dare streeeeetch ( shucks' it wasn't easy) and talk'. It may not be such a big deal to others..kinda' funny lame really if you think about it..but it's something for me.

Another week is coming.....There's this zingy' staticky' energy of excitement in the air....like I'm getting a sweet surprise or something really nice....Makes me giddy' wonder what other nifty new things the coming days have in store for me.

And you too!

Hmm' wonder.....wonder.....wonder...

Life Is My Decadent Cake....

I had my cake and ate ( a lot..shucks! ) ov' it too! Oh' but thank you all for the greets both here and in meatspace.

See that angelic divine thing there?!
Nothing..oh' absolutely nothing that can come close to the heavenly taste of this cake I ate. A real melts in your mouth and not in your hands experience. Hubz said this Mango Bravo is a bestseller. In fact, he was advised by patrons at the bakeshop to quit dilly dallying in deciding and just get it. So he did - much to the relief of everyone there. Wow! Really, I had to be restrained! Absolutely no self control whatsoever! Gosh' I want a slice even now. Sinfully decadent!

And it's a sweet breezy cooly day here. The funky weatherman said he is all but totally baffled by the...well..weather. We should be sweltering in heat by now...all huffing and puffing and complaining and just dying to get to the beach. Buuut'...would you believe that hasn't happened yet? Nope. We here are in the midst of spring like cool. Weird almost. Not that I'm complaining tho'...nooope...am' enjoying it. I just hope for hopes when the real summer hits us it won't book itself an extended stay. Just a month and a half of super sunshine power groovy enough to run wild wanton in the sand...he!he!

Me' plans to have a whole lotsa' fun this summer. I'm even writing down stuff we can do...some with the boys and some with the Hubz. There's a diving sched there between us...probably at romantic Coco Beach Resort in Puerto Gallera..or maybe in exotic Palawan...or maybe in touristy Boracay. Wherever... as long as it has sand, sunshine, pina colada', food and lots of happy people...

Hmm'....was planning to write on a more specific topic- something totally serious..relevant... like maybe local politics (?..eeks' ) or corruption or world affairs. Ye' something like that. This has turned out to be a breezy blabbering about cake and the weather. No matter.

I've got the swooning Nat King Cole playing in the background and a shower ready for me. Ah' me' life is cool and grand and fun....I hope yours is too...

Yeah'....:>

PS: One of my fave bloggers, Maryam of My Marrakesh is actually going to summer in Boracay....Take a peek at this place where I too loooooong to be...

Click on: BORACAY ROCKS THE KASBAH

Meet the lovely owner of the Kasbah: PINAY IN BARNSLEY

My 40 Beginnings

40.

If one thing can be said about numbers darlings, it is that...they too may stand for a word. Take for example, when a woman says 40, that could, in all possibility, mean more than a number. It could be a sigh. It could be a bold declaration of beginnings and the graceful acceptance of endings.

This 3rd day of the 3rd month I begin a new chapter in my life. Excitement pours through my nerves when I think this. The kind of excitement laced with orchid calm. It isn't at all like the gibberish giddiness of when I turned 30.

I feel sort of relieved. The lady that I was when I was 30 seems a ship a far away...but I'm happy for her. She has done well I think. She has kept the most important thing - the heart of a solid home.

She has held captive the heart of a strong good man. She is raising a couple of good strong men. She has taught four year olds their first ABC"S. She has held their little sweet fingers in hers and helped them trace swirls and circles and slants. She has even taught them the Antelope Song.

She has taught teenagers their first taste of Bacon. With essays on travels and friendships, she has shown them how personal value is a foundation to being and self discovery a penchant to breathing.

She has taught adults the hidden intricacies of communication...the secret layers beneath primary sentences that color a person's innermost meaning. She has coached and managed people and in the course, inspired other women to move on.

In spite of what she thinks, she has been brave in many different ways.

This lady has made a lot of things too. She has made meals, and presentations, and sales talks. She has made love, and made fury, and made friends. More than that, she has, quite stunningly, made the most fascinating mistakes as well! Oh' how grand those were!

There are no regrets. She loves..and loves in the meaning of what her love is.

Ah' quite the sentimental journey I will be taking this month of March...

Interesting, when I add up all the numbers that constitute the day and month and year of my birth, everything equals to 30. A number of balance...a number of completeness. This thought makes me smile.

Another quainter thing to note is that..I will always share the same day of celebrating a birthday with this man I love. If my birthday falls on a Monday, so too will his birthday be. Forever. For as long as there are years between us to share. So cool.

I will think of you sweethearts, but I take a bow for now. Just a week away from cybieland...to walk alone and be with some...to think..to write..to watch....to just..be...

Now that I am, in all essence, wonderfully 40.


( Foamy: Thanks for the greet. Yes, I am the "fishy one" ..ha!ha!ha!ha! to your comment...Cheers and a toast to you as well...My boys also fall asleep on the couch..:)

My 1920's Fun!!

Ever wished you lived early enough to have been part of a fun something?!

My Shortie Wants List

Discovered a neat trick I can pull on me. Yay!

Been trying to figure how to cure my "procrastination issues" you see. Yeah' I have those to the max.

I figured this would also do good for insane moments when I'm faced with routine tasks I shirk from doing. You know, the usual daily stuff that would creep up on you if you don't move....the littering leaves that need to be swept, the cluttered closet that needs to be organized...the usual errand that needs to be done...things like that. Listing them down the day before doesn't work for me. I don't even read the list mostly.

But this time I think I've got it.

Instead of saying, "Things I HAVE To Do Today".....

I'm going to write, Things I WANT To DO Today"

1. I want a snazzy' bedroom ( change covers and fluff pillows)

2. I want a mango shake for everyone at dinner ( drop by grocers and buy fruit)

3. I want to fit into my white jeans ( skip the ice cream that's sitting there in the fridge)

4. I want a collection of odd leaves (sweep up front yard..say hello to the birds)

There! A sample of a simple "I WANT list that rings with subtle pleasure. Absolutely nothing I wouldn't want to do for a day would be included. Nothing of what I have to do, but instead, only intimate choices of what I want to have...and want to do.

I feel powerful now just thinking about it.

Hmmmm'..I think this could work...


(ps: Thank you so much to those who posted comments in my posts down. I learned so much from your sharings and insights. I will be visiting you in a shortie'..:> )

My One Brave Thing ( revised )

It is always hard to admit the truth. Difficult would be a better word I suppose. Yes, both hard and difficult because I am stubborn. However, I have this deep acceptance that I have willingly and actively participated in the creation of what I have and what I am right now. Therefore, it is safe for me to assume that the opinions I have formulated about myself, are to some degree, accurate. I cannot fool me.

I know I am shy. Too shy. A shyness that is so comfortably nesting deep within my heart....A little girl shyness that refuses to let itself out behind its glass curtain wall. Others don't see this shyness I possess. My bubbliness when among friends, my silly laugh and my candor are infectious they say. When I stand before people to teach - I am up to the task. I perform...splendidly even. But...get me alone and shyness will show itself. It shows in many different odd ways that hinder my happiness.

Perhaps my shyness stems from fear. I may not know what kind...but I know fear. Like a kings ransom, I carry it.

This past week though I did something brave. Something for myself that needed to be done and I did it. I'm happy.

And so this afternoon, I have decided that after all that needs to be done is good and done, I shall wear my favorite jeans, put on a pretty shirt, pack my little computer and go to my favorite Starbuck's.... alone. There in a snuggly corner I shall write out a list of things that I haven't done because I am shy. And because I cuddle fear.

I promise myself to do one brave thing each day. Just one brave thing believe me. It could even be as simple as smiling at a passing stranger, or saying thank you while looking into someones eyes...

One small brave thing.....each day.

This is all I ask of me..

My YOU Inspiration

Self expression...this is what my blog is all about. And I believe that though my posts may sometimes ring silly, writing here has made me a calm happier person.

Reflecting on this, I am so just sorry for Shakespeare and Hemingway and Monet and Poe and all those great great writers and artists and scientists and just about everyone else, big or small, who did not live to see this age of internet magic. Imagine their astounded expression if they could, by some divine beam of back to the future glitch in time, be here right now witnessing this technology. The power that we possess through this medium is just unbelievable. It is the true summation awesome of all AWESOME'S combined!

As for me, I discovered blogging magic one Sunday 2004 February morning through CNN. Sitting there in front of my Sony TV hearing what those fun savvy blogging women were up to, and how they could relate and excitingly connect with other women the world over was just tooooo much of a writing lust temptation to ignore. I simply could not.....could not resist.

36. I was 36 when I started writing online. My teaching days in school, where I went, what I ate, what I wore and who said who was mostly what I wrote about. Boring really. Gosh' face it, who on earth would want to read about a Filipina teacher's field trip at Enchanted Kingdom!? But I wasn't really expecting anyone to read. No cares really. Back then everything this is was just for the sheer narcissistic amusement of seeing my words on a monitor screen.

Then came my dark days. That sullen point when I had a few "issues" about me and about life in general. The more issues, the more cryptic writings appeared. I was a jarful of discombobulation. Words in jumbled thoughts poured...and swooshed and sloshed and poured to my detriment, sometimes, without even giving second thought.

When I started getting feedback from other bloggers the awesome infusion of cyberpace blood coursed through me. I felt like I wasn't just writing anymore. I was connecting. I was blogging. For real.

Those were my ABC baby footstep toddler tottering days of blogging . Not once did I ever read about blogging do's and don't s...I learned it first hand...mistakes and all....I am still learning.

This blog is about me still. About Me. It holds my inner thoughts, my humble meanderings...my simple reflections about life. However, it has also evolved into something much more important. This blog has become a portal of YOU. This is now about YOU.

It is about all the YOU's that I read and I visit and I connect to each moment I am here. It is about your life, and your day, and your story, and your happy, and your sadness, and your crazy, your inspiration, and your puzzles, and your food and your homes...just everything about you. Honestly, it is the inspiration I draw in from your story that makes blogging worthwhile.

When bloggers write from the heart, sharing words they wouldn't normally tell others in a real time conversation, I feel that. It makes the time I spend in cyberspace such an intimate uplifting experience. When people share their pictures..their art....their talent...the whole world seeps inside of me and takes a peaceful prism glow. Even if for a moment I feel you and I have ceased to become different. We are one.

I guess what I want to say is I am deeply grateful to be living today.

I am grateful to be so alive in this era. What a gift!

I am so just happy grateful for the wonderful opportunity to read all the blogs I read...

and I am so just grateful for the inspiration of YOU.

My Inner Luxie Journey

Before I ever went by the pen name "Lady Luxie" I was and had always been "Prism." I believe the latter to be my spiritual name. The cymbal sound and the clear tinkling ring of Prism has been an intimate part of me for such a long long long time. In fact, I do not remember a moment when I never was Prism. Could it be because I never can remember a time when I have not been writing?

Prism writes and writes and writes and writes....Even when stubborn words lock themselves up inside this great mythical Tower of Babel refusing to be let out, Prism still opts to write. Words on strike can't stop her.

Later on I discovered "Luxlucisvita." A phrase that rang so pure of what Prism was all about. "Light of life" it means....How beautiful..how true. To make it snappy, Lady Luxie came to be. A breathing writing being fueled by Prism.

What's in a name I sometimes ask myself. Is it a brand? Is it a label? Perhaps so..perhaps not. What I know is this; it was written about me that "I could extract sunshine from a cloudy day." Actually, sometimes I can also extract sunshine from a moonless night...like right now. From out of the blue, for a split moment I get this deep joyful infusion of happy from a world deep within me. A whisper from the center of my soul. A whisper so fluttery sweet and clear that it makes me, for a moment, shockingly perceive that heaven must be a dimension inside me and not some destination up there somewhere. Could it be?

I think...I think...we all have prisms inside of us...A source of light that fuels life. It has nothing to do with food or water or vitamins...no..no...It is a galaxy within the minute corners of our atom selves that quiver and sparkle when we need it...A light of life that is alive and breathing and existing and is me and you and us and everything all wrapped together in secret satin energy...I think we can even talk to it.... It doesn't matter who we are or what we are....tall, short, east, west, north, south...Why I believe this place inside ourselves is all our place...as if we all live in this one living sacred spot of peace...

Oh' my...I think I think I think..I think I have been thinking a lot of thinking tonight...But let me think even more...I think I would like to take a brave journey.....a very important journey...I am ready...I think..oh' yes I am....

My Friendly Alien Clerk

Cupid and whoever is the power behind April Fools decided to join forces and target me yesterday. Visualizing the horrendous traffic on this particular night, I opted that the whole family just stay home and have pizzas, wine, and of course my chicken celery soup and my home grilled peppered steak with gravy.

I was happy just fixing up the homey' and prepping up everything. My paperwork could wait till the next day I said. Even my little garden was pretty and the mild breezy weather was simply cool and divine. A Valentine day really.

Around three in the afternoon I had everything set and so I took a quick shower, pony tailed my hair, grabbed on a pair of old faded jeans and wore my favorite moss colored cotton shirt.

It was more of a stroll what I did, just admiring the neighborhood gardens as I made my way to the Homeowner's Association Office where I had a bill to settle.

So I get there and this lady clerk looks up to me from her table and I smile my usual smile and say hi. Somehow there's something about her I truly find mildly odd. I can't point out what it is except just a feeling that we give out pleasantries to each other but we couldn't care less really. I could also sense ever since that she was the "nosy" type. You know, the kind who would ask you itzy' questions to find out things in your life. There was, to me, something precisely "bogus" about her.

Well she makes small talk while I write out a check. She inquires a few detailed things about my family and I answered in a friendly way. Then she asked about my boys....their ages..where they study. I was okay with that...handed her the check...asks her to give it a thorough review for errors or anything. Theeeeeen before I could even stop speaking she goes...

"Your husband.....ummmmm'.....he is younger than you eh?....How much younger is he???..."

My lips froze into a twitch. It felt like the whole of me suicidally plunged beneath this icy frozen pond in some yet to be discovered part of Mars!!!

In my mind I was in in freeeeeeeezing country, planet, galaxy..wherever...hell probably... and this deathly foul half alien woman, with her blood shot eyes, her pointed horns, her wicked razor claws was crazily baring her bleeding fangs at me!!! A true creature of the dark who wanted fresh meat and I was dinner!

What do you do in such deathly situation oh' tell meeeh! Spear!..I needed spear!!

"Love thy neighbor," Cupid angelically whispered in one part of my soul. "Here's my arrow of looooove Luxie....you are light...florescent...incandescent.....glooooowing," stupid Cupid continues.

I madly snarled at him hissing, "It isn't an arrow I need idiot!

"I want blood!"...

"I want gut!"..

"I want innards spilling all over this "f^%&ing floooor!!!.......hear meeeeh????!!!!"

Course...in reality, I sat there maintaining my friendly composure with a plastered smile saying,
"Oh' we're pretty much the same age.."

Then she goes on with more idiotic phrases saying how women can look older than husbands because we get to do more unlike them..

I say nothing about this, thanked her for the receipt and walked home broiling in irritation and reeling in twilight. Once home I called up a friend and told her about my encounter of the third kind..Oh' gawd' we talked about great retorts I could have given back...but too late....

Thing is...just the night before I had a moment of silent meditation wherein I asked God to help me be kinder and nicer to people...to live from the inside and not to get strength from superficial sources....

Perhaps this is one way in which the universe is helping me to learn...about loving the unlovable...

Or perhaps to just accept the fact that there will always always always aaalwaaaays be stupid people around...

Idiots abound...

Aliens are among us...

It is the way I see myself that really counts.

My 20 Valentines

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow and so forgive me for being uber "cooorny" right now. Just that...stumbled on a local Nescafe advertisement that really brings back a particular loverly youthful carefree memory...

I was 20 and so was he...

Course' I didn't look anything like this girl back then.I was really skinny to start with. I was in torn faded jeans and had on a shirt that boldly screamed "Nike". Doubt if I looked anything sexy' but we had bikes..ye'....

I remember biking in the rain...near the bay. I bet I looked freaky ha! ha!. When he reminds me I cringe...embarrassed you could say. Oh' but then how many sweethearts get to really silly run through a downpour huh?. Those were our "who gives a damn days".I think somehow..it still is.

How many valentines have we had since then eh?...So..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to everyone. This day isn't just for lovers splish splashing.It's an intimate wonderful celebration of being One..being brothers and sisters....being human...and being divine as well. And this Love transcends all borders and boundaries..cultural..religious..language...whatever...

Everybody wants love..Everybody is LOVE...

And to the boy back then who went crazy running in the rain with me, I Love You....and I'd really rather that we have a barbeque dinner at home instead of going out...but bring home a big round of pizza...thin slice..with shrimps on top....and a bottle of wine of course..

You know what I mean ;>

Spread the love everyone..mwah!

My NOW

That belly dancing video I bought about three months ago is sleeping snuggly' in the DVD rack. I had fun watching it once then tried the moves.....eeeeks!'....Why am I so stiff? So I opted for the yoga video....watched it for a week...learned the breaths..learned a little bit of "yogi doo' vocabulary"....tried it twice and now yoga video is "oming" in meditative bliss just beside the sultry belly dancing vid.

Yesterday, I saw a pole dance video in the store...Looooked interesting..."You don't even have to take your clothes off" it says on the cover...Wait...doesn't that take out a bit of the fun?! Snooks'...I would need a pole though for this one..Wonder what kind?...Steel?.....Bamboo? I don't have any poles around here...Oh' wait...look outside...electric poles! Yaaaah!

Oh' heck'...I guess my gym membership has expired. Me' don'tz think I wanna' go back there...too noisy. Anyway, there's this aerobic yoga place near here...I don't know what that means...Is it a mixture of aerobics and yoga?!...Is that even possible?....There was pilates mentioned in the streamer...Know what?..I swear....sweeear tomorrow I'm gonna' take a peek...Doubt if I'd like it though'...I think I'm some sort of a "solitary practitioner"..Whatever....right now...it's a Coke can and a pack of potato chips I'm practicing on...Oh' well..

Was thinking awhile ago...how "free" it is to not have to prove anything to anyone....or to myself...To not have the urge to impress or compete or look to your left and to your right to determine if somebody is one up on you...To not have to race anyone...To not have to be one step ahead...

I faced myself in the mirror and said..."You don't have to prove anything...to anyone...or to me.You're okay already. You're there."

Then somehow...I dunno why.......I felt free...I felt here...I felt NOW.

My List

Am'in pretty nifty internet cafe sitting on this fluffy cushiony' chair with chill music on the background...Can't bloggy think when there's club music blaring...and my connection at home is on strike...I'm expecting it toroll back to work by tonight..but tonight can't wait can it? So hereIam supposed to be doing grocery errands but instead blogging he! he!

N'ways..just wanted to say hi to you..I'll be back later...just I soon as I pickup a carton of milk, cereals, half a kilo rib eye, tomato sauce, onions, french fries, squid, coffeemate, tomato, garlic, all purpose cream,chicken,eggs,macaroni , bacon,oatmeal and a loaf of wheat bread.

Have a great week:>

My Pesky Thursday

Pesky!!..Hu! hu! hu!...

I am one pesky horridly blabbery quivery snooksy' Lady Luxie today...sniff! sniff!

So far I have managed to make anyone within twelve feet of my aura utterly miserable...Why I'm blogging about this I don't even know sniiiiiiff!!...Except maybe to just get it out here...like cleansing my body..or cleansing my system..like..umm'....having an enema where afterwards you feel light and clean and fluttery...only what I need is an enema of the brain...Gawd' not even watching Gilmore Girl re runs is lifting me out of this crapiosque' feeling'..sniiiiff....Makes me want to dangle and swing and literally limber from one building to another....Oh' look at that...my cellphone is tweeting....yeah'.....and I don't know where it is....hu! hu!..faint tweet...faint tweet..don't stooop till I fiiiind you........

Ooooooh' crap'...


I think I'll go get a haircut.....